I write this with an open heart..
The time that we talked about has come – it’s been around for a while now actually.
I remember, one day last year (before I told you I was pregnant) you said to me;
You’ll never know how much I love you until you have your own
I guess I’m there now? I guess I’m starting to figure out that,
Somedays you loved me so much it hurt you
Other days, you’d experienced so many losses that you wondered;
Wondered whether this love was real
Because if it was, it was flying by.
I had the best childhood. Festivals. Floats. Paella in the street.
Dodgy scissor fringe cuts that you couldn’t quite believe
Sitting on a bar stool – weight lifting olives,
Pretending to be Dora the Explorer, discussing Spanish treasure.
The tantrums, the writing
“Odio a mi mamá” all over the wall, accompanied by
The 3AM brawls over sleep, that made you wish;
Wish it was all just a dream after every piercing scream.
You gave up so much. For me.
To raise me. To teach me. And I was well educated,
Bright as a bulb. Taught that I couldn’t be overruled
By the school bully, who’d hit me just for food.
I’d come home and cry on you, about school
How rough it was, how mean they were. Sometimes,
I’d hear you cry too
Because they weren’t doing enough for me, it hurt you.
Then your life changed;
You pulled me out; I was home educated.
For all you’d ever learned, you passed it down to me,
Oh so gently. Kindly. Softly. Respectfully.
You were and will always be my best friend,
But on a rare occasion, you’d wait. For the teenage hate.
Though I never really hated you, the thought was always there with you.
Am I doing right by her?
Can I give her everything she needs to see her life through?
Can I teach her right from wrong
And to be an independent woman that’s strong.
Like you. Your shadow.
Then I grew up some more
Walked in to the real world – whilst you held the door
You showed me, it was OK to always want
Want more for me. For you. For us as a family, too.
While you were trying to raise a lady,
Daddy was busy trying to raise a bad ass too.
Because Daddy wanted a Princess
That could fight back like you.
You’re everything. You’re everywhere.
You’re omnipresent – and now?
Now i’m grown and out of your house,
Living on my own
I know you’re here too.
I hear things – I hear things come out my mouth
And I think, “god damn, she’s everywhere
I sound more and more like mi madre, every day“
I’m not sorry for the things that went wrong
Because I only ever loved you more each time.
Though it took me a while to accept that;
Mama was always right.
When Mama said take your coat off inside,
You won’t feel the benefit when you go out –
When Mama says you’ve got a cold and a cough,
Drink fresh honey and lemon instead of Lemsip
You weren’t wrong. You were being YOUR Mama,
Because she did this for you too
And now, because of you,
I know I can do it just like you.
I’m a descendant of the best.
I told you I was your shadow – forever watching
Following, learning, reenacting
Because I needed to ready me, too.
I’m ready for anything, if I can be half of you.
Now I’m a Mumma to my Bear
My only wish in life, will always and forever be;
To be half the woman,
and the Mother, that you are to me.
You’re my best friend. Always have been,
Always will be. I appreciate you. I admire you.
I aspire to be like you. I want you to know this,
You’re the most astounding, beautiful, creative soul
and you’re my Mother. I love you.
As always, all my love, your Bam-Bam.
This post was written exclusively for Bump, Baby & You, by Amber Rowe.
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