Little bit of light hearted fun, but if you’re not yet a parent, here’s what to expect – if you are a parent, i’m expecting some severe head nodding over here!

40 Facts About Becoming A Parent:

  1. You’re gonna’ get shit on, whether it’s intentional or because you dropped a wet wipe – it’s gonna’ happen
  2. You’ll cry tears of joy at your baby’s milestones
  3. Sometimes, you’ll just cry – for no apparent reason, I call these MUMmones (hormones)
  4. You WILL make jokes about throwing your baby away, especially when you’re hit with a babygrow full of pure shit
  5. Those shit explosions? They’re called Poonami’s, believe me, I waited 9 months for one and my god they deserve that name
  6. You’ll become a fan of cold tea / coffee
  7. Within 6 months, you’ll fucking hate Peppa Pig but you’ll sing HOT DOG, HOT DOG, HOT DIGGITY DOG every time Mickey Mouse ends (£50 says if you watch Mickey, you sang that instead of reading it)
  8. When your baby goes to bed, you WILL leave Paw Patrol on to make sure Chase saved those baby turtles
  9. You’ll have a baby related item (or 10) in every, single, room in your house – no doubt
  10. Your Sky / Virgin Planner will become full of Baby Television that you’ve saved / recorded / series linked for when Satan takes over your baby
  11. You will question your sanity
  12. A stranger, at some point, will tell you, “you have a beautiful little girl” when in fact, that little girl is dressed in blue from head to toe and is named Luke – or vice versa
  13. When out shopping, you will always return with something for your baby
  14. If you’re a woman, you’ll develop a lying technique surrounding baby clothes, as follows:
    Hubby: That looks nice on Henry, where did you get that from?
    You: Oh this? We’ve had this agessssss, think this was a baby shower gift!
    When in fact – you bought it yesterday and hid the receipt.
  15. You’ll have days / weeks / months, where your body and the way you look will severely upset you – but remember, you housed a beautiful baby in there
  16. Not every day is a good day, but they do always get better
  17. Enjoy your newborn cuddles, they become independent far too quickly
  18. Sometimes, you’ll feel under appreciated, speak out, don’t let it fester
  19. Parenting isn’t a competition – it doesn’t matter how you do what you do, as long as you support your own decisions
  20. Remember to eat during the day; you’ll soon realise you’ve ‘forgotten’ but you’re important too
  21. Listen to those people that say “nap when the baby does” – I 100% recommend this, because now, I have a nearly 9 month old that does not nap and I am a real life 5ft nothing can of Red Bull
  22. Dishes can fucking wait – don’t feel the need to meet anyones expectations
  23. The first night your baby ever sleeps through, you will literally shit your pantaloons, but you will cry tears of joy at how good you feel
  24. You will begin to struggle to find a fuck to give to people who say they’re tired or feel like shit
  25. When someone says “I slept like a baby last night” – resist the urge to high five them in the face with a brick, simply teach them, this does not always mean a solid nights sleep, it infact means; broken sleep, exhaustion, cold coffee and danger naps (10 minutes, face flat to the counter, “making a bottle”)
  26. Whenever someone asks you about Bounty Portraits, the first 3 things that spring to mind will be; “extortion”, “remortgaged my house”, “daylight robbery”.
  27. Practice your Mum Bun, because when your kid is pulling hair, you need to avoid spontaneous bold patches, I look like I have alopecia and I’m only 22 for fuck sake. 
  28. Buy some fresh pyjamas and call them your “bollocks to the world” clothes – that way, when someone asks if you’ve gotten dressed in to something other than pyjamas (cheeky bastards), you can tell them;
    YEP, I’m in my, bollocks to the world outfit”. 
  29. To become a fully fledged Instagram Mum? You need to hashtag the shit out of the word baby;
    #babypoo #poonamibaby #babyspam #babysickinmyhairdontcare
  30. Take a ton of pictures and install an App called Free Prints, print off 45 off the suckers every single month for a couple of quid and keep ’em forever (because a 64GB iPhone is fuck all when you’ve got a baby, you need at least 12 of the same photo) 
  31. Periods are gnarly after having a baby, label them shark week”, write them on the calendar and tell your partner to stock up on; Ben & Jerrys and his cute kiss arse attitude for that week
  32. Don’t take unwanted advice to heart – say thank you and go about your day, i’ve learned over time that it comes from a good place
  33. Practice pelvic floor muscles, seriously, I’m legit 9 months postpartum and still release a little bit of wee if Cameron says something really funny.
  34. Try not to become addicted to buying pushchairs – pram envy is real you know
  35. Don’t bottle anything up, don’t ever feel ashamed of anything and always stay true to yourself
  36. Parenting is a bloody whirlwind- do not allow others to make it harder for you, cut off any negativity in your life
  37. You will lose friends, yes – but you will make many more along the way and you’ll be OK, you’ve got a mini bestie foreverrrrr
  38. Love yourself – you’ve carried, delivered and are raising a baby, give yourself some credit. You deserve it.
  39. Remember, never a failure, always a lesson.
  40. Enjoy your new family, to the fullest. May you have all the happiness and health the world can offer you.

As always, all my love, A. XO
Instagram: @missr0we (with a zero)

This post was written exclusively for Bump, Baby and You, by Amber Rowe.

About Amber Rowe

HIYA! I'm Amber, 21 and a first time Mum to my Preemie, Oscar! I'm a natural born chatter box - completely open minded and I say what I mean and I mean what I say. A complete fan of the F Bomb! (Used regularly though, be warned!) There is absolutely nothing I will not talk about. I genuinely love the English language, words fascinate me - it's allowed me to become an advocate for normalising the 'negatives' in Motherhood. I'm obsessed with flat lays (buying cute clothes and laying them out to make a complete outfit) and I'm also a huge lover of anything social media! You can follow mine and my little Bears antics here, there and everywhere! Hope you enjoy my posts as much as I enjoy you reading them! 👋🏼💕 Instagram: @missr0we Snapchat: missr0we