Little bit of light hearted fun, but if you’re not yet a parent, here’s what to expect – if you are a parent, i’m expecting some severe head nodding over here!
40 Facts About Becoming A Parent:
- You’re gonna’ get shit on, whether it’s intentional or because you dropped a wet wipe – it’s gonna’ happen
- You’ll cry tears of joy at your baby’s milestones
- Sometimes, you’ll just cry – for no apparent reason, I call these MUMmones (hormones)
- You WILL make jokes about throwing your baby away, especially when you’re hit with a babygrow full of pure shit
- Those shit explosions? They’re called Poonami’s, believe me, I waited 9 months for one and my god they deserve that name
- You’ll become a fan of cold tea / coffee
- Within 6 months, you’ll fucking hate Peppa Pig but you’ll sing HOT DOG, HOT DOG, HOT DIGGITY DOG every time Mickey Mouse ends (£50 says if you watch Mickey, you sang that instead of reading it)
- When your baby goes to bed, you WILL leave Paw Patrol on to make sure Chase saved those baby turtles
- You’ll have a baby related item (or 10) in every, single, room in your house – no doubt
- Your Sky / Virgin Planner will become full of Baby Television that you’ve saved / recorded / series linked for when Satan takes over your baby
- You will question your sanity
- A stranger, at some point, will tell you, “you have a beautiful little girl” when in fact, that little girl is dressed in blue from head to toe and is named Luke – or vice versa
- When out shopping, you will always return with something for your baby
- If you’re a woman, you’ll develop a lying technique surrounding baby clothes, as follows:
Hubby: That looks nice on Henry, where did you get that from?
You: Oh this? We’ve had this agessssss, think this was a baby shower gift!
When in fact – you bought it yesterday and hid the receipt.
- You’ll have days / weeks / months, where your body and the way you look will severely upset you – but remember, you housed a beautiful baby in there
- Not every day is a good day, but they do always get better
- Enjoy your newborn cuddles, they become independent far too quickly
- Sometimes, you’ll feel under appreciated, speak out, don’t let it fester
- Parenting isn’t a competition – it doesn’t matter how you do what you do, as long as you support your own decisions
- Remember to eat during the day; you’ll soon realise you’ve ‘forgotten’ but you’re important too
- Listen to those people that say “nap when the baby does” – I 100% recommend this, because now, I have a nearly 9 month old that does not nap and I am a real life 5ft nothing can of Red Bull
- Dishes can fucking wait – don’t feel the need to meet anyones expectations
- The first night your baby ever sleeps through, you will literally shit your pantaloons, but you will cry tears of joy at how good you feel
- You will begin to struggle to find a fuck to give to people who say they’re tired or feel like shit
- When someone says “I slept like a baby last night” – resist the urge to high five them in the face with a brick, simply teach them, this does not always mean a solid nights sleep, it infact means; broken sleep, exhaustion, cold coffee and danger naps (10 minutes, face flat to the counter, “making a bottle”)
- Whenever someone asks you about Bounty Portraits, the first 3 things that spring to mind will be; “extortion”, “remortgaged my house”, “daylight robbery”.
- Practice your Mum Bun, because when your kid is pulling hair, you need to avoid spontaneous bold patches, I look like I have alopecia and I’m only 22 for fuck sake.
- Buy some fresh pyjamas and call them your “bollocks to the world” clothes – that way, when someone asks if you’ve gotten dressed in to something other than pyjamas (cheeky bastards), you can tell them;
“YEP, I’m in my, bollocks to the world outfit”.
- To become a fully fledged Instagram Mum? You need to hashtag the shit out of the word baby;
#babypoo #poonamibaby #babyspam #babysickinmyhairdontcare
- Take a ton of pictures and install an App called Free Prints, print off 45 off the suckers every single month for a couple of quid and keep ’em forever (because a 64GB iPhone is fuck all when you’ve got a baby, you need at least 12 of the same photo)
- Periods are gnarly after having a baby, label them “shark week”, write them on the calendar and tell your partner to stock up on; Ben & Jerrys and his cute kiss arse attitude for that week
- Don’t take unwanted advice to heart – say thank you and go about your day, i’ve learned over time that it comes from a good place
- Practice pelvic floor muscles, seriously, I’m legit 9 months postpartum and still release a little bit of wee if Cameron says something really funny.
- Try not to become addicted to buying pushchairs – pram envy is real you know
- Don’t bottle anything up, don’t ever feel ashamed of anything and always stay true to yourself
- Parenting is a bloody whirlwind- do not allow others to make it harder for you, cut off any negativity in your life
- You will lose friends, yes – but you will make many more along the way and you’ll be OK, you’ve got a mini bestie foreverrrrr
- Love yourself – you’ve carried, delivered and are raising a baby, give yourself some credit. You deserve it.
- Remember, never a
failure,always a lesson.
- Enjoy your new family, to the fullest. May you have all the happiness and health the world can offer you.
As always, all my love, A.
XOInstagram: @missr0we (with a zero)
This post was written exclusively for Bump, Baby and You, by Amber Rowe.
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