Lianne Harris for her blog, Mrs Mummy Harris.
I have previously spoken about my journey with Post Natal Depression. Being a parent changed me. It changed my priorities, my emotions, but more importantly, it changed who I want to be in my life and created a new me.
I was no longer Lianne, a wife, career girl, lover of cheesy pop and cats. The person who loved pulling faces every time a camera was pointing her way and the one who loved playing the fool. I became a mother, a stay at home wife and “Lianne” disappeared. Being a mother became overwhelming, there was so many emotions I had not experienced and worries about the safety of this little child who looked up to me to make decisions.
This is when my PND kicked in and I became an empty shell. I didnt care that I had a child I had always longed for and I didnt care that I was married to my soul mate.
Looking at the photo below of me and Ben I can see that my smile is false. There is a dullness in my eyes and I hate looking at photos from that period (there arent many but I forced myself to get some.) Looking at them makes me realise how numb I felt, I should have been so happy but instead I just had no positive emotions.
One thing I found that helped pull me out of the depths of my PND was self care. I went back to work in January but needed to get new work clothes as my old things were either too small or stretched from wearing them whilst pregnant. I also went out and got my hair trimmed, my nails painted and started to take care of my outer shell, hoping my inner self would follow. Like they say “you gotta fake it until you make it.”
One thing I have discovered since becoming a mum and that is just how little time you have to pamper. I used to get my eyebrows, lashes, nails and hair done. This is pretty much non-existant with a newborn, but luckily I have discovered the wonders of gel nail polish which lasts so much longer which is fab as being a mum means “me time” is a rarity, however now Ben is older I get more of a chance to have “me” time. I’m making up for lost time!!!
With my outside looking more like my usual self, I need to remind myself every now and again as to who I am. I might be Benjamin’s mother, but I am also a wife, a blogger, a sister and a daughter, but more importantly; I discovered that I am still me, I was just adjusting to motherhood.
They say a happy mum means a happy baby, so if it means I go to get my nails done once every couple of weeks so I can feel like “me” then so be it. I’ll do what needs to be done so I have the strength to be the mother Benjamin deserves!