Team DILF: Indoor Play Area Musings
I remember visiting an indoor play area as a child and to say it was epic would be the ultimate understatement.
Not only did I get to go absolutely mental in a padded asylum for kids but I had my first ever kiss there. Well I say kiss but in reality I was accosted by a 10 year old girl who had read too many ‘Just 17’ magazines and thought the key to winning my heart was to lumber me to death. One minute you’re being asked to ‘see someone’s mate’ and within seconds you’re a victim of mouth crime. Fast forward 30 years and it’s a whole different story.
1- You pay in but can’t use any of the stuff. Your fat glutes aren’t fitting in the slide and you don’t want to get stuck trying, only for Umpa Lumpas to be called to your rescue.
2- The youngest kids get to play with the same toys you already have at home, although these toys carry more bacteria than a city centre skip. The slightly older kids are red faced, covered in sweat and swinging between cardiac arrest and diabetic coma. The eldest kids are cooler than ice cubes, impressing people with their monkey antics in the hope of touching a boob(s).
3- If you ever want to feel good about yourself, just visit the cafe at an indoor adventure centre. The average parent is hung over, mentally broken and on the verge of head-locking a staff member for their p1ss poor coffee and choice of sandwiches. I always feel I have my sh1t together after seeing how badly everyone else seems to be struggling.
4- Speaking of staff, you probably won’t see anyone more than a few years older than your kids…which is probably due to headlock related injuries or the fact that working with other people’s kids would make you want to move to the moon. As the old saying goes ‘kids are like farts, you don’t mind your own!”
5- There could be 100 children in a play area going mad and regardless of how bad your hearing has deteriorated over the years, you will recognise your daughters cries beyond the rope swings. This is never good. I had to switch from dad, chilling in the cafe of broken dreams, to Liam Neeson in Taken meets Ninja Warrior within seconds, just to find my eldest all flustered over absolutely feck all.
6- The upside of bringing your kids to Happy Village, Funky Bananas, Jumping Snakes etc etc is the fact that afterwards they will sleep for on average 12-97 hours when they get home.
Written by Neil McTeggart for his Facebook blog, Team DILF!