An Ode To My Pre-Tiny Human-Self

Dear ‘Little Miss Footloose and Fancy-free’

Look at you in your pristine house- a nest for two but squeeze for three

With your jumperoo-less living room, minimal and serene

and photos of you and him in the exotic places that you’ve been

A bulging social diary that boasts dinners, drinks and brunch

Your weekends stuffed full of boozy shopping trips and lunch

Quiet nights in with a bottle of wine watching new releases

Long relaxing baths without the panic of floating faeces

Planning an outfit for a night out three months in advance

Wearing tops that show your midriff every time you get the chance

Having to set an alarm for an early morning outing

Wearing skinny jeans  without 8 hours of self-doubting

Popping to a shop with just your purse at the drop of a hat

getting shopping delivered cos you’re lazy and not to have a chat

Banging doors, slamming drawers, turning lights on late at night

Staying out, sleeping in, getting drunk and talking shite

Shaving your legs, exfoliating, catching up on sleep

Straightening your hair, moisturising, watching a box set in a week.

Going abroad, sun bathing, swanning around in a two-seater car

Wearing uncomfortable panties and worrying if they match your bra

Going in a shop cos you like it and not caring if it has a lift

Getting home from a night out before 1am and feeling slightly miffed.

Sitting on your sofa and reading a magazine or a book

Nipping out for a bargain bucket cos you can’t be arsed to cook

Now believe me when I tell you that in nine months none of it will matter

I’ve seen into the future and I’m afraid to say you’re fatter

But to be honest your looks will probably be farthest from your mind

Once you’ve adjusted to the sleepless nights and the exhausting daily grind

Holidays and socialising are the first things on the block

A good day is getting dressed before it’s 3 ‘o’ clock

Staying in is the new going out and ‘slipper chic’ is trending

Joggers are the new bodycon and stretch marks are never ending

In dry shampoo and maternity tights we the great unwashed do solemnly trust

Our legs will remain unshaven while our GHDs gather dust

Sleep when they sleep you’ll get told, and it’s difficult not to laugh

If it was that simple it wouldn’t have been a year since you had a bath

Embrace your new curves they’ll say cos size 8 is a thing of the past

You’ll still be eating the same amount just really really fast

Jokes with your husband will turn into arguments about cleaning

Your Facebook newsfeed will be over run with tips on baby led weaning

Will you stay in touch with the Colonel? Only time will tell

But the women at baby sensory class swear by Annabel Karmel

…Or so you have been told, you haven’t bothered to go to one yourself

Attempting to leave the house before 10:30 isn’t good for a new mum’s health

Especially for a class where it’s baby talk or nothing

If you’re going to go out early then it should at least be for a McMuffin

Dear Miss ‘Always Frazzled and Prematurely aged’

Please consider these few pointers before you have your tiny human caged

After their arrival your heart will feel full, no matter where you are

Their laughter will bring you greater joy than Nutella straight out the jar

There will be days you feel like shit and lower than the bottom of the pile

Some days it’s them that put you there but they’ll still make you smile

To stare into their eyes is to see your old world in a fresh hue

A world with cuddles for currency, a world where fairytales come true.

Their imagination’s a tree in spring, their innocence its fruit

Their tiny feet and grabby hands well they’re just really cute

You need them as much they need you, albeit in different ways

A look they give you after a sleepless night will keep you going for days

It’s fine to have an off day when your batteries are low

Tears and laughter, smiles and screaming are all part of the show

They’re relying on you for everything and that feels kind of nice

who cares that being there 24/7 comes at such a price

No-one will look at you like they do, or make you feel so warm

and that feeling of completeness hits you the day that they are born

All they really want are heart shaped kisses, they don’t need the earth

but that wont stop you trying to buy it for them just to prove your worth

Life’s too short short to sweat the small stuff, enjoy them while they’re young

There really is no greater job than being a tiny-human’s mum

Yours sincerely

MM


Written by Madame Maigrir for her blog!

You can follow her on Facebook here.

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