I want to write about something I experienced recently that really broke my heart and temporarily made me question myself. This Insert of my blog will be in-depth, it will be graphic and it will honest, you may relate, you may not and most importantly you might not want to know, but I share my experience of a VERY common occurrence in womanhood and something that needs to be spoken about openly and honestly, for everyone’s education and awareness. This is the gut-wrenching reality of miscarriage.
I have explained previously that my partner, Kenny, and I decided shortly after the arrival of our beautiful first-born, Abel, that we were ready for another baby. Due to breastfeeding Abel (I presume to be the reason anyway..) I never fell pregnant instantly like I had first time around. In fact there were a couple of months of built up excitement followed by a kind of disappointment that can only really be understood by those that have tried for a baby, not that I can truly understand the heartache of that because obviously, it really did happen for us quickly.
On 15/09/2018, Kenny and I had an argument, probably about something minor and stupid, Kenny then had to leave for work and Abel and I continued to lay in bed, snuggling, boobing and eating toast for a while. Approximately three weeks before I had taken a pregnancy test, faintly positive, then another pregnancy test, faintly positive but more so, followed by another test just days later that was as positive as could be, we had the happy tears, did the celebratory dance and laid on the sofa for the rest of that particular evening kissing and cuddling and nervously contemplating having two babies under the age of two, twenty-four seven, plus Kenny’s three kids pretty much half of each week, because in all honestly we knew we were crazy and life was about to get a hell of a lot more wild. Focusing back on that morning, I remember being uncomfortable, not in any pain but with a niggling feeling in my pelvis. Like most woman, I had pain in early pregnancy with Abel, I had slight bleeding with Abel also and hence never thought much of this feeling of discomfort. I carried on about my day, cleaning, eating, caring for Abel and watching TV. In the early afternoon I went to the toilet and when I wiped there was the slightest bit of blood, which can be completely normal in early pregnancy, as I have already said.
I think I knew deep down that something wasn’t right, maybe I was in more pain than I was telling myself or maybe it’s just a mother’s intuition. I text Kenny to let him know I was a little worried and he assured me that it’d be okay and just to take it easy. After a few hours went by I was crippled by a searing pain that brought tears to my eyes and was bleeding so heavily it made me feel faint and nauseous. I knew I was misscarrying our second baby, I knew this was the end of a journey we were so excited be on and yet I felt completely numb. I wasn’t crying, I didn’t want to see Kenny and have to tell him that I couldn’t protect his baby inside me and I didn’t want to call my mum or my friends for support. I wanted to take myself to a pitch-black and silent room, lock the door and never utter a word to anyone about what had just happened in the bathroom, what had just happened inside my womb. However, that wasn’t to be, I had a beautiful and smiley little boy who needed me and I had a partner due home any minute that had just as much right to know what had happened as I did.
When he came home, I broke down and told him, he was amazing and so supportive and obviously heartbroken too, in typical male fashion he tried to brush off his feelings and focus on me but he needed to cry too, he had mentally prepared himself for another baby, he’d spent weeks imagining our new addition too . I still couldn’t shake the feeling of being so ashamed of myself, of my body and I still didn’t want anyone to know what i felt I had done. I was so angry and I felt like i didn’t even want to be around Abel anymore, I didn’t want to be around him because I didn’t want to not be able to protect him. It took weeks for me to have anything to say, for me to want to leave the house and for my emotions to calm and allow me to see, what i already logically knew to be true, that it wasn’t my fault and that this baby was just not meant to be. For whatever reason, heartbreakingly my second pregnancy wasn’t viable and we weren’t to get to walk the path we thought we were going to, we weren’t to meet that baby but that didn’t stop us from falling in love with the idea of him or her and it didn’t stop us from mourning that pregnancy.
In between my anger and Kenny and I’s shared tears, I researched what my body was doing and why, what I found was an endless list of causes of miscarriages, the shocking statistic that around one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage and that there are so many woman and men effected by one form or another of pregnancy and infant loss. I never in a million years thought I would be one of the one in four, I thought I’d always just be the supportive friend or family member.
I wanted to share this experience in frank honesty because I want to help break the silence and remove the stigma surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. I want more woman to realise it wasn’t there fault and not to waste time with self blame and guilt. I want more men to realise that it is okay to break down and mourn the loss of your baby too. I want to make myself one hundred percent available to everyone that needs my support, because while I might not have experienced everyone’s losses, I have experienced my own and I want to help if I can.
I am endlessly grateful for the blessing that is my third pregnancy and the healthy little peanut that i have been growing for twenty six weeks and four days so far, I am so proud of every kick and punch I feel, I am so tolerant of (yet exhausted by) the persistent sickness and I am not worried by the prospect of stretchmarks, saggy boobs and a potential mum-bod because I am so lucky. Kenny and I are more cautious and nervous with this pregnancy BUT we are still enjoying every minute.