Early morning wake up call, its there before youve even opened your eyes, you can feel it.
Thats the thing, its not only in your head, its in your stomach, your chest, your arse, your bladder, everywhere.
You sit up. You feel sick, you feel like youre going to shit yourself, cry and scream.
Most of your mind: You feel sick, theres something wrong with you. Something bad is going to happen.
Your body: i agree, look heres some vomiting and have diarrhoea, there must be something bad going on or about to happen, see now your heart is racing too, some bad is bound to happen.
Small fraction of logical mind: Its not you, its not real, nothing is wrong and nothing bad will happen. This is only temporary, itll pass.
Imagine that being your daily life. Some days as bad as this where it bubbles so much that physical symptoms take over and you literally struggle to even get out of bed. And what one might refer to as a “good day” is just you running around fighting with your own thoughts minus the physical symptoms, however being left feeling drained and exhausted anyway because all you have done is have a constant argument and battle of wills in your own head….with your own head. Doesnt that sound mad?
Irrational thoughts constantly, sleep paralysis, mind racing with what if? Should’ve, could’ve, uncertainty, forward planning events that might not even take place, preparing for any disaster that could happen, but might not, dwelling on past situations wishing you had reacted differently good or bad, getting irritated too easily, having zero motivation for any thing socially because you cant mentally deal with anything else due to this constantly using up your energy.
I have wrote this at 3.53am. After being awakened from a horrific night terror fueled by my constant irrational thoughts. After only being able to get to sleep at 2am in the first place for the same reason.
Does any of this sound familiar? If you know you know.
Ill never stop fighting you.
**photo below is from the archive, i did this years ago to depict how i felt. Inspiration was taken from artist klaire de lys **