My son has completely and utterly, unknowingly broken my heart for the first time in what I’m sure will be many many more for years to come.
It’s not his fault, of course, he is merely doing what babies do and what I had anticipated to happen: growing at the speed of light.
What I did not expect, however, was the magnitude of just how difficult letting go of those trousers that make my baby look like his budgie has passed or the all-in-one that he can barely move in anymore.
Sorting through Kaiber’s 0-3 clothes has evoked yet more surprising emotional reactions to add to my box of ‘things I didn’t realise would affect me like they have’ of which I store in a cupboard within my mind of all the new things I’ve learned since starting my Motherhood journey.
Trust me when I say that the cupboard is well and truly jam packed and, by the time he reaches his teens you best believe I’ll need to upgrade to a mansion because the lessons just keep on coming.
It started with a onsie- the ‘brum brum’ onsie.
He had it since he was born and I absolutely doted on him in it but at the time I didn’t think it was anything overly special.
A simple plain white onsie with one teal green sleeve, one red sleeve and a matching car on the front with the words ‘beep beep’ under it. It wasn’t even something I had picked out myself and I now I think of it, I don’t even know where it came from.
All I know is every time he wore it, my heart absolutely melted more than usual and that’s a whole lot of melting!
This onsie brought me more happiness than I can even explain; the cuteness overload, the photos, the newborn memories of him in it, the poop-splosions I spent what felt like hours cleaning out of it.
It sounds so silly writing so much about one piece of material but I really did get attached to it.
That’s when it began to bring me sadness.
I’d been doing the whole “he will get one more wear out of it” for so long even though his toes only just found their way into the foot parts and he had no use of his legs when I put him into it that Carl actually had to intervene and tell me it was time to let go.
That was the first of many times I have cried over an item of baby clothing.
Packing away the last few bits and bobs remaining of clothes he is too big for earlier today can is something I can only describe a feeling of mourning.
It’s an act of closing a Chapter of our journey; they newborn stage and all of the memories, the photos, the pooping and the ups and downs.
All the firsts, the doting and the laughter and opening the next Chapter which will see him wearing all the adorable 3-6 month clothes we’ve had stored away for what seems like forever.
Sitting on top of the suitcase I’m using to store the old clothing and just managing to get it zipped up was definitely a bittersweet moment.
I feel so proud and happy for making it this far but I am trying to cling onto every single part of this experience. It’s as if I just blinked and the weeks disappeared.
Now that the first sort out is complete, it is now that I realise just how meaningful these little baby clothes truly are because they are so much more than their purpose. They are directly linked to the things our babies do when they wear them and how that makes us feel.
The places they visit.
The people they meet.
The moments we share.
Those cuddles that lead to falling asleep together.
The first smile.
The tummy time.
The one sock that always shows up weeks later.
The outfit they where to get their injections.
The one they waited to wear to poop all over.
The memories and the moments to treasure.
They all happen in these clothes.
Letting go is so hard but it’s something all mothers must do and I believe this is the first little taste of it to help prepare us because inevitably we all have to let our children go in the future.
I intend to put all of Kaiber’s clothes away for baby number two in case we have another boy because we will save a fortune and some are pretty much brand new and if we have a girl I can give them to a Mama who needs them.
There are, however, some that I could not deal with seeing another baby in because they hold memories too precious. Those outfits me and Carl had even named and would always know which one the other was referring to when we were getting him ready.
Clothes that I will always associate with my Kaiber Bear.
Those I will keep forever.