Feeling excluded recently?… You somehow missed the memo?…
So many new mums I speak to have gone through a similar experience. Friends lose touch…it’s so hard to not take it personally and I honestly think it just happens as we get older but it’s not very nice and it’s hard to take especially when you expected your friends to be there and still be part of your life regardless of you having a child.
So this is what has led me to write this…
Tinder? Why not? Could be a great idea.
Naturally when you become a mum life changes a lot and with it your friendships also change. You suddenly become the mum and the one with the baby and to your childfree friends I can only assume you become irrelevant…the one with the baggage?…you soon realise who your true friends are when you go through tough times and you realise it is only a handful. It’s sad but that’s life and I’d much rather have true friends than shit ones. Life goes on…as old friends disappear it makes room for growth and new friendships…perhaps mum friends?
You’ve had a baby and you have settled into motherhood…it’s time to get out there and mingle with the other mamas out there…you join groups…baby massage…chat and small talk but for some reason you never meet your ‘mum tribe’.
It never really happened for me, I’ve never got into a Mum tribe but it must be really nice to do so and I envy people that do.
I’m lucky enough to have my own tribe, who are also mums but my best friends who understand and totally get me for my crazy self,which is great.
It must be very lonely to not have that support when you are a new mum and it’s not always easy to go out and meet new mums because it’s scary!
Call me obnoxious, presumptuous and assuming BUT It’s happened a few times now! I’ve been minding my own…3 kids in and people start reaching out to me. I kindly oblige because I love people, chatting and I see the good in everything and everyone but I never learn..I get burned all too often.
They ask me to meet up..then cancel.
Why ask me?…
Now I admit it, I am one over sensitive, emotional person more so now postpartum and I’ll admit slight irrational (if your my friend you would know this) but it’s who I am…And I won’t change. It allows me to show empathy, understand people, but you also get taken advantage of, take on other peoples shit and soak it up like a sponge. Getting older I’ve managed to deal with that now and have my own tool box for it.
Sensitivity can be a hindrance because sensitive people take things far too personally. some people cancel on you, I get it…I do it as-well haha (get a grip init)…but the truth is people who were assholes…are still assholes, will always be assholes.
Just because they have had kids now and play adults doesn’t make them any different to who they once were (probably why you don’t hang out with them anymore…so why do it when you got a kid?)
Oh hey we ain’t friends…but now we got kids oh hey bestie! obviously some people do grow up and you can’t hold grudges…stay with me I have a point… I think (mum blogging 1 month newborn sleep state… I don’t know what time, day it is…I dyed my hair pink for the love of humanity!)
Look I’m merely stating what happens when you get pregnant…people become interested in you…no??? And by people I mean people from the past coming out of ghosting you on social media to private messaging and liking all your pics….
Tinder mum profile…
…I’m Steph 31, mum of 3 boys…retired nurse and stay at home mum…seeking mum friends to basically moan to about life, swear a lot and talk about Netflix and hating men (just kidding) lol. I’m still fun (I think), still like to drink and party and I am still me…available for good times if given advanced notice…childcare arranged and I’m not too tired
So mum friends…preference:
1. That ain’t assholes
2. That ain’t judgemental
3. That want to talk about things other than children basically
Okay I’m not perfect, truth is I am all 3 of these at times so it doesn’t help 😂but finding these mum friends…it’s like the dating game…does this cool mum friend even exist you ask yourself? Like in the movies on bad moms…they go round getting pissed in shopping Centers?
(Anyone wanna get smashed in Kingsgate Center?… me neither…I’m too knackered.)
Suddenly people from school contact you… a long lost friend out of the blue…you’re pregnant and so am I now let’s be friends…best friends…and hang out with our babies…
I’ve had it all and like most tinder dates…fake friendships formed for the sake of having babies don’t really work out…I’ve found there are certain types of Mum dating. (For the record I have never snogged any mums)
1. The no show (me)
The mum that has every intention to message you, give you advice, make arrangements with you…but when the time comes to meet they cancel at last minute… it is disappointing…like the guy that always texts but he never meet you for the date because he’s probably got a gf! It’s like these mums…they got their own friends they just want back up to make sure they got a mum friend in their back pocket for back up on the really shit days
2. The mum who thinks she’s superior..because she is pregnant (me)
I was at an appointment the other week and I saw a girl from my childhood. You’re bound to bump into someone you know in our town. What made me laugh was that she seemed to think she was the only one who was pregnant and important. It oozed from her lol her self importance…she was like this younger so it was no different. I overheard her judging mums for announcing stuff on social media and saying well it won’t be a secret much longer (about her pregnancy) look love we have our own lives your life is not something to be discussed…less than a week later it was on social media.
3. The one hit wonder mum (me)
The mum you actually meet up with and hang out with, moan about your life and relationships and then never hook up with again…like any one night stand it leaves you feeling humiliated and worthless…or fulfilled having had your needs met depending on how you look at it. We should do this again sometime…call me?
4. The rock mum (me)
Okay so I have a handful of these mums…my besties. They are perfectly imperfect just like me, they love me and my children and I love them. We spend time together, eat cake, go play-gyms, judge, not judge, be ourselves. It just comes naturally and it’s easy.
5. The competitive mum (and also me)
Speaks for itself, hard not to be isn’t it haha – but it’s healthy as Long as it doesn’t consume you but it can be annoying when so and so’s kid is doing backflips and yours is still stuck to the carpet.
Jokes aside I think that it’s nice though, a sense of community almost. To go through such a life changing experience and support each other however we can is helpful.
We all get older and people follow their own paths in life so I can’t be bitter and I wish people well I really do. I felt quite alone when pregnant with Freddie. I know just chatting to an old school friend before Freddie was born made me feel not alone and got me through it as daft as it sounds so thank you!! And yes I’m sorry we never met up (I was the no show). Truth is the reality of raising a new born hits in and your expectations and reality aren’t always what it seems..before you know it time goes on and your just tired…had an appointment…you can barely find time for your actual friends let alone new friends…and your confidence truly gets knocked, it’s a lot easier to hide and not socialise because you forget how to do it.
Thank you to all the mums that reached out and supported me and still do. So to all the mums out there let’s pledge to support each other in whatever way we can. Whether it be advice, a meeting that never happens, a kind word, a judgement of myself to make you feel better, a like, a comment, a message.
Parenting is hard enough so it’s nice that we can reach out to each other. I’m going on like I hate it but I love the sense of community when you have grown up and had babies and can share your joy with other mums in the same boat. It makes me feel lucky and part of something.
If you are struggling to meet mums there is a really cool App that I’ve tried called MUSH. It puts you in touch with local mums in the area.
There is also a huge online community on Instagram that are really supportive and also websites such as mums.net and google search if you need some advice ever…there are probably loads more so feel free to leave a comment
To my friends I am still here, it’s not that I don’t care it’s because I have 3 babies that take my priority! I’m still here if you need me, available for nights out (once a year) don’t forget me…and if you do well…enjoy life, I will be xxxxx