School Gate Cliques

Since Oscar’s started nursery it’s fair to say that I’ve heard and learnt plenty about school cliques…and the types of mom at the school gate.

Lets start with the mom whos GOT IT DOWWWWWWNNNN. She walks to school with her 4 older children and toddler, everyone is pristine and immaculately dressed, and if you’ve forgot your childs lunch, she’s probably got a spare one packed.

Super keen mom, super keen mom is usually the mom of an only child – shes the one with the Asda bag full of loo rolls and yoghurt pots for craft day, and her daughters name is embroidered into everything she owns. She usually elbow barges you out the way to get to her child at the end of the day and to hear how wonderful her days been by her ‘new best friend’ the teacher.

The unorganised mom, tends to rock up just as the gates are closing, whacks her car on the double yellows outside and her hazards on, with her child being dragged out the car still scoffing a mini pack of cookies and downing a fruitshoot that got left in the car from last night’s Happy Meal tea. Ushers said child in the door whilst giving everyone a quick nod of acknowledgement before rushing back out. Often carrying a red bull and wearing what may or may not be pyjama bottoms under her coat.

The mom of ‘the cryer’, does lots of eye rolling and always needs someone to peel her child from her, leaves with an embarrassed smile in a hurry and gets lots of sympathetic smiles.

The grandma! Ok, not a mom but… Let’s not forget the grandma, never knows where she has to stand, is often heard asking ‘is this your peg? Is this your class? Is this your friend?’ Wipes child’s face with a bit of spit on a hanky from up her sleeve – ALWAYS in a mac with an umbrella.

Bitch face mom, rocking a full face of makeup, never smiles back at you and avoids eye contact at all costs; usually by keeping her head in her phone or staying in her Audi until the very last second.

3 under 3 mom, all children in odd socks and outfits, one in a pushchair, one on a buggyboard and one in a sling. She has bags the size of Katie Price’s tits but is still smiling and telling you how rewarding it is being a mom.

The chilled out mom, her kid comes running down the street way before you can see her, she’s totally cool about the fact her child’s cut chunks out of his fringe and just brushes it off laughing “kids eh”, she definitely puts squash rather than water in her child’s bottle – she doesn’t care about nursery rules.

The pregnant mom, ready to give birth at any minute and completely unable to do anything with her child, generally just begging her child to do everything ‘please put your coat on the peg and your bottle in the box’ whilst leaning up against anything possible. Waddles when she walks and looks pretty angry if anyone dares ask when she’s due.

And last but not least, the token dad- its his day off and hes been sent to do the school run, the child’s hair is unbrushed, not in a coat and he walks PAST the school gates twice before someone kindly shows him where he has to go. He makes no conversation and hasn’t the foggiest of whats actually going on!! We all tell his wife exactly what he did the next time we see her.

Now, there’s more but I’d be here all day, all of these moms (and granny and token dad) have something in common- they all love the small person they’re trying to get to and from school, and actually they all do want to feel accepted (EVEN BITCH FACE) so… Next time you’re at the school gate say hello to them, nobody wants to stand in an awkward silence, tell stories of how your child’s been naughty, talk about how you necked a bottle of wine at 4pm, those parents wont judge you because they’ve all been there too!!