Tried, Tested and F*cking Failed
Ever since I got pregnant, I’ve received lots of advice from every man and their judgemental bastard dog.
It’s like some sort of rite of passage – Step 1. Have baby… Step 2. Give unwanted advice to any pregnant woman you come across just to annoy the shit out of her.
When I was pregnant I made a small promise to myself to never be one of ‘those’ people. You know the kind…instead of saying “congratulations, how wonderful!” they say “get your sleep in now!” Fuck off! You can’t collect sleep, although if you could I’d have spent it all within the first 48 hours because little did I know I was giving birth to a fucking nocturnal bat.
Well anyway I’ve tried a lot of it, some good, some bad and some ABSOLUTELY AWFUL.
I want to share some of the dog shit advice I’ve been given or heard of and why it failed for me (if any of these worked for you…you’re lying)
- “Try to keep baby awake through day so they sleep at night” – this was strategically placed at the top of the list because this is THE worst advice I’ve received. Whoever shares this piece of advice probably has a red room of pain too, sadistic twats. So for the first few weeks, your little baby is probably a bit confused with the world and is no doubt cluster feeding – this means they’ll wake up through the night regardless, because this is what they’re programmed to do. I really wish it was as easy as ‘keep them awake through the day’ – it’ not. If you try to stop your baby sleeping through the day, you’ll most likely end up with a screaming, overtired baby and they’ll STILL wake through the night meaning you’ve just fucked yourself righhhtttt over (this is the actual technical term). No new born baby should be awake for longer than an hour and half to 2 hours. I truly think I’ve got at least 5 bald patches from ripping my hair out whilst trying to keep my baby awake in those early days and wondering why she was then eyeballing me at 1.30am in the morning too. DONT.BE.A.TWAT.LET.THEM.SLEEP. The end. Shit advice rating 10/10.
- “Don’t give baby a bottle until 4-6 weeks old” BULL-SHIT. If you’re breastfeeding you’ve probably been advised not to give baby any expressed milk or formula from a bottle for a good few weeks to avoid ‘nipple confusion’ there’s no confusing these bad boys hun. However, what a lot of mums find is that when they’ve got to that long awaited bottle feeding moment – little greedy baby won’t take the bottle because nips are gooooood. You’ve waited too long. They ain’t fucking confused – they know full well mummy’s got something better down that bra of hers and they ain’t taking no shitty bottle. I gave Poppy a bottle on day 3 and she is now the LEAST fussy baby when it comes to bottles and dummies. I maybe wouldn’t advise everyone to bottle feed on day 3 but from previous books I’ve read somewhere between days 7-10 is a good time to introduce our little plastic friend (that’s a bottle, for anyone not quite following). Shit advice rating 7/10.
- “Don’t give vitamin D drops to a breastfed baby” – this one upsets me slightly as it meant my baby was deficient in vitamin D because of shitty advice. I know I should’ve looked on the NHS website but it was a midwife who told me not to so I didn’t question it. I was wrong. All breastfed babies (and some formula fed babies) need a drop of vitamin D every day to keep their levels up. I’ve copied the below from the NHS website – ‘The Department of Health recommends that:
- Babies from birth to 1 year of age who are being breastfed should be given a daily supplement containing 8.5 to 10 micrograms (µg) of vitamin D to make sure they get enough. This is whether or not you’re taking a supplement containing vitamin D yourself.
- Babies fed infant formula shouldn’t be given a vitamin D supplement if they’re having more than 500ml (about a pint) of infant formula a day, because infant formula is fortified with vitamin D and other nutrients.
- Children aged 1 to 4 years old should be given a daily supplement containing 10µg of vitamin D.’ Shit advice rating 8/10.
- “Book onto baby classes as quick as you can because they get booked up fast” – FUCK THAT. 2 weeks after having my baby – I’m ringing up to book baby massage because I’m scared I’m going to miss out. The time comes to attend baby massage and I’m considering ironing my own face for an excuse not to go. Don’t feel pressured into booking baby classes. I’ve got a whole post coming about this but really.. take it easy. Don’t feel guilty for not going. You’re enough for your baby – I promise. Wait until you have more energy and then maybe consider it IF IT’S RIGHT FOR YOU. Shit advice rating 6.5/10.
- “Don’t wake a sleeping baby” – so this is kind of ok but also kind of shit. If your baby is napping but you think ‘oh no they should have had a bottle 5 minutes ago’ as long as their weight is fine and they have no health issues then you’re probably ok to leave them for a bit longer until they wake up naturally. HOWEVER…after us introducing a routine (ROUTINE WANKER) I try to make sure I gently wake my baby up every day and she is SO SO SO happy to wake up. This means that now, she’s soooo used to the fact that I’ll be going in to get her when the times right, she doesn’t cry for me when she wakes up and will happily keep herself entertained until I go in. So whilst sometimes it’s good to let them sleep, I don’t believe you should NEVER wake a sleeping baby. Food for thought. Shit advice rating 4/10.
So again, I fucked up. If you remember giving me any of this advice, you’re a twat. Haha just kidding! No one gives advice for people to fail but I’d really encourage you to take any advice with a pinch of salt and follow your own instincts. All babies are different and so are all parents – we all fuck up occasionally but just remember tomorrow is a new day and you can always try something new. Leave a comment or message me and let me know of any shit advice you received. OR, let me know if any of the above DOES work for you.
Thanks so much for reading as always!
Lots of love,