Ever since I became pregnant last year, I’ve developed some sort of weird sixth sense for spotting knob heads from a distance.
Maybe it’s because my tolerance levels have dropped significantly and people have always been this way OR maybe people just act like twats around pregnant people and parents – I’ll let you decide that one.
Most of the time when I’m in the company of these people I’ll just smile, keep quiet and mentally round-house them in the face rather than literally (a girl can dream) but now my patience has started to wear thin.
For the past year, I’ve been making a mental list of what NOT to do and say to pregnant ladies or parents – it’s becoming quite a hefty list but I’ve picked my 10 favourites to share with you in the hope that, if you are one of these people, you’ll fucking stop!
Here we go…
1. People who tell you to ‘get your sleep in now’ when you’re pregnant – DID YOU KNOW? (this is an actual fact, make note!) you CAN actually just say ‘congratulations’ when you find out someone is pregnant, you don’t HAVE to tell them to ‘get their sleep in now’? MENTAL who knew?! I’ve mentioned this in a couple of my previous blogs but its almost like word vomit – people can’t fucking help themselves but to tell you to ‘get your sleep in now’. I think we’re all aware that babies can be shit at sleeping, no one is under the illusion you’ll be sleeping like normal when baby arrives (or at least, i hope not, that would be a shock) so this piece of advice can stop doing the rounds now, thanks.
2. People who jokingly ask if you’re having twins – fuck off. Never..ever.. comment on the size of a woman’s bump. Big or small. I know people don’t mean to be rude and they’re just trying to be funny (and failing) but it’s a proper dick head move. If I had a penny for every person who jokingly asked me if I was having twins i’d never have to work again. It can make you really paranoid that you’re doing something wrong or that you’re going to be giving birth to king kong. The same goes for commenting on how ‘tiny’ someone is, if in doubt – tell them their bump is perfect and they’re carrying really well. Nothing more nothing less.
3. Twats who park in parent & child spaces who don’t have children in the car with them. You laaaaaazy bastards! These people clearly don’t know how difficult it is getting a car seat out the car with approximately 30cm of space to squeeze it through. And they also mustn’t know it’s equally as difficult to hide the big scratch you’ve just left on the next car’s door. Just stop being a cock and go and find a normal space.
4. People who stare at you judgementally when your child is crying in public – these are some of the worst people. I’d put these in the same category as pedophiles and murderers. BABIES CRY. CHILDREN CRY. Don’t fucking look my way if you’re not offering me a smile or a helping hand. I don’t give a fuck if the crying is interrupting your meal – the shitzilla in my babies nappy is interrupting my appetite but you don’t hear me moaning about it (you probably would actually, how can something to small smell so eye-wateringly bad).
5. Bitchy mums at baby group – ooOOOooo touchy subject. I can feel mum’s bumholes twitching everywhere wondering if they fit in this category. So let me just say, most mums that i’ve met at baby groups have been LOVELY! BUT, there are a couple that i’ve come across that are sooooo stuck up and cliquey that they’ve almost snapped that rod that’s clearly stuck up their arse. They don’t smile or say hi to you, they only talk to their friend who’s in the same class and refuse to interact with any other mums. They don’t offer a supportive smile when your baby is breaking down mid baby massage class and I swear I sensed a mental eye-roll from her. Overall, they just make the other mums feel uncomfortable and it’s not needed. Baby classes can be daunting . I know I felt a bit nervous going to the first couple as I still didn’t have a fucking clue what I was doing yet and I was worried I would be judged..the last thing you need is some stuck up Sally doing just that. If this is you – stay away from baby classes and go for a fucking walk instead, kind regards, mum’s everywhere xoxo
6. People who walk slow at shopping centres – So..pre-baby, I always promised myself I wouldn’t be one of those pram wankers who slow everyone down and get in everyone’s way. 1 week post-baby I found myself in a shopping centre, big pram in tow LOLLL sorry not sorry. To my surprise, it’s not the pram pushers that slow people down, there seems to be a group of severely slow walkers who think it’s acceptable to have a leisurely stroll through the Trafford Centre at peak shopping times. I have to use every ounce of willpower not to scream MOVE OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY at the top of my lungs. Pram pushers everywhere – I apologise. Slow walkers everywhere – fuck you.
7. Medical professionals who don’t interact with your baby when checking over them. I know they have a much more important job to do than to entertain our babies but when my baby is smiling at you, a sparkle in her little eyes, she’s wondering if she can trust you as she waits for you to smile back and you DON’T….Ooooo bitch – hold my Calpol. Seriously, a ‘Hi Poppy’ wouldn’t go a miss, or even a little smile to acknowledge that my baby is smiling at you. It’s just bad manners and I don’t think that’s acceptable under any circumstances. Dick head.
8. Members of the public who stare at your baby but don’t say anything or smile – this is just creepy. Like, what are you thinking? Why aren’t you smiling or saying anything? No further comment (I’ll get myself into trouble if I elaborate too much on this one – use your imagination).
9. Postmen/women who ring the doorbell when you’ve told them to leave your parcel in the porch – i’m aware this is a severe case of first world problems BUT when you’ve been trying for 3 bastard hours to get your baby to just shut their eyes for 5 fucking seconds and in that 5 seconds the parcel you’ve been waiting for all week decides to turn up.. but not only that, you specifically requested they leave it in the porch so to not disturb your sleeping baby and they RING.THE.FUCKING.DOORBELL. How do they sleep at night?! Wankers!
10. Fellow new mums who don’t have respect for the people around them. The day I had Poppy was the best day of my life but was absolutely exhausting. Come 11pm, Carl had left and my baby was asleep so I wanted to get some shut eye to prepare me for the night ahead (nothing would prepare me LOL). Unfortunately, a few other mums on the ward didn’t have the same idea as me..at 11 o ‘clock at night one of the other mums was drying her hair with the hair dryer and had the music on her telly turned up (waking Poppy up) and another was on the phone screaming at her boyfriend – bloody wonderful! And to make matters worse the following day this same lady let her kids come behind my curtain whilst I was topless trying to feed Poppy. Don’t worry about it hun its not as if I want any privacy whilst i’ve got my boobs out and i’m bleeding everywhere, invite the rest of your visitors to come and look as well if you want? Fuckers! Again, I know none of this was done maliciously but to me it just seems like common sense of how not to be a twat.
I could go on but I’d be here all day. I think when you’re pregnant or have had a baby you can sometimes become more sensitive to your surroundings (lol, just a bit). I now have this crazy, ready-to-turn-psycho, mum attitude that makes me completely intolerant to people’s bullshit. I’ve not yet figured out if this is a good thing or not. I don’t think people are trying to piss me off or get on my nerves – it just happens naturally haha!
Leave me a comment and let me know if you’ve every come across any of these people OR if you ARE one of these people?! And also, if you can think of any others? I’d love to know and chat about it!
Please do share with your friends – I’ve been receiving so many messages and it really does make it all worth while.
Thanks for reading!
Lots of love,
Instagram – @the.house.of.mum