We brought Amelia home from the hospital and I remember just plonking this tiny little baby down in her car seat in the middle of the front room floor and saying to Ryan ‘what do we do now?’
This was possibly one of the hardest and most difficult times of my life.
I was 19, I had never even held a baby before having Amelia let alone looked after one..now this tiny little baby relied on me to care for her, to feed her and to completely shower her with love and affection.
I was struggling so much, I didn’t know what to do. I remember the health visitor coming round and just telling her I was SO happy and I was loving being a mum – when in actual fact…it was a complete lie and I was struggling so much, I would cry regularly because I didn’t have an instant bond with my baby.
Ryan had to take over and then I’d cry again because I couldn’t settle my baby and she’d want ryan instead. It was like a vicious circle.
The dreaded day came and Ryan went back to work after having his paternity leave and I had never even changed her nappy in the first 2 weeks..I had completely rejected my baby.
It’s quite a blur thinking about it all now…but I look back at pictures and I know that I should have been better, I should have loved my baby more than I did, picked her up more, cuddled her more but I didn’t…I couldn’t.
I was so worried about what people would think of me, what would people say to me? You always get those people who tell you your doing it wrong or judge you when your baby is screaming the place down…so I spent most of my time in my pyjamas at home….I didn’t want to be judged about the way I was feeding my baby or holding my baby, who does?! We didn’t attend any baby classes. I didn’t know any other people with babies so I just sat at home and indulged in Jeremy Kyle for 4 months – until I went back to work.
Postnatal Depression is just one of ‘those things’ than nobody really talks about, you don’t want to tell the midwife or the health visitors that your feeling this way because what if they judge me? What will happen to my baby? I suffered in complete silence and not even Ryan knew what I was feeling.
I completely regret not talking about it all now and how I felt at the time, I could of had so much more help.
I just wish I could turn the clock back and speak to someone about it. I have complete mum guilt about the whole situation – but I can’t go back and change anything. I just have to try and be the best mum I can be now and shower her even more with love and affection.
If you are suffering from postnatal depression or any kind of depression or maybe even just feeling low..please just speak to someone – my inbox is ALWAYS open.
‘A problem shared is a problem halved’
Written by Alice Aspinall for her blog, Motherhood.Photography.