December is officially the craziest month in the parenting calendar. I thought I’d share my plans for the next few weeks to help you keep on top of those key festive milestones…
Vainly attempt to stop offspring consuming entire advent calendar in one go.
Enforce strict ‘No Elves on Shelves’ policy. Nobody has time for that sh*t.
Buy Xmas biscuits and selection boxes. Congratulate self for being so organised.
Accidentally stress-eat Xmas biscuits and selection boxes.
Secretly replenish Xmas biscuits and selection boxes.
Consider cutting own ears off after 5,000th airing of ‘All I Want For Christmas’ on the radio this week.
Spend magical afternoon decorating Xmas tree with family.
Spend magical afternoon rearranging Xmas tree whilst family isn’t looking.
Join Facebook black market of Mums frantically trying to swap/buy/pilfer extra nativity tickets BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!
Do Nursery Xmas cards: AKA – the pointless exchange of paper between kids who cannot read, write or even pick each other out in a line up…
Christmas crafting session for the little ones. Spend rest of month covered in glitter, glue and cotton wool, like some kind of festive disco sheep.
Write letter to Santa together. Suggest replacing ‘real flying reindeer’ and ‘rollercoaster for the garden’ with more realistic choices…
Attend work Xmas party. Won’t stay long, busy day tomorrow… 🤥🥂🎉
Xmas party a bit of a blur. May have fallen into a bush. Attempt to survive crack-of-dawn soft play party with chronic hangover. 🤢
“HOW CAN IT ONLY BE 10 DAYS UNTIL XMAS!!!”
Spend afternoon panic-ordering from Amazon.
Knock up some homemade mince pies. They taste like cardboard and sadness. Remember I am not Mary Berry. Buy more mince pies.
Embark on lovely wintery family walk. Quickly remember that family dislikes winter, walking, and all associated activities. Sack off lovely family walk in favour of lovely nearby pub.
Sob proudly as child knee-slides her way through the nativity. Try to hide surprise when a giraffe, Chase from Paw Patrol and the three bears rock up to the manger… 🤔
Secretly replenish Xmas biscuits & selection boxes. Again 😬
Remortgage house to visit Santa’s grotto at the local garden centre. Try not to swear when child asks for a gift that has NOT ONCE been mentioned until today. .. 😭
Chastise self severely for forgetting to book online food delivery. Fight to the death with surprisingly strong octogenarian for the last turkey in Sainsbury’s.
Become victim of own excellent hiding skills when I cannot for the life of me remember where I stashed the bloody Christmas presents… #SendHelp
Endless, hellish gift-wrapping cycle of misplacing the scissors, losing the end of the sellotape and questioning my life choices.
Stare incredulously at partner when they ask whether I’ve had any thoughts on what I’d like for Christmas… 🙄
1 -EAT ALL THE THINGS
2 -DRINK ALL THE THINGS
3 – COLLAPSE ON SOFA IN TIME FOR GAVIN AND STACEY
WRITTEN BY SIOBHAN BUTEL FOR HER BLOG, MUM MALARKEY – PASS THE WINE PLEASE.