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by Niamh Stewart

Things I Thought to Myself During Labour

*Disclaimer – most of these were written into the notes section of my phone at the exact time they were happening, during the throws of a gas and air high*

1. DO NOT waste your gas and air on a fart.

2. I laugh to myself as I unpack my earphones from a box that looks suspiciously like a box of contraceptive pills…as I suck my gas and air, whilst vomiting and suffering the worst pain in my life.

3.I’m scared my playlist is so good that my midwife won’t think I’m in as much pain or as far along as I am.

4. Every time I turn my music up it warns me that the sound level is going into the ‘red’ for ear damage…but to be honest, my vagina is about to rip to my butthole so I think I’m gonna go for it.

5. Just how much is karaoke frowned upon in a labour ward?

6. Sometimes when I breathe this gas and air I think of that meme where Trump does the weird snake tongue thing. Except…it’s not a meme. It’s just a real video of Donald Trump.

7. As I labour through our first dance song it reminds me of how much I love Rob. But also that he is asleep at home while I feel like my lower half is being run over by a steamroller, so he is a shitjerk.

8. Midwives keep noticing all my tattoos and commenting that I must have a high pain threshold. And I’m like, ‘Yes, my tattooist did push a watermelon through my vagina.’

9. Please give me an epidural, even if you just have to stick it in my eye.

10. ‘Are your labour stress balls working?’ ‘Yes, in the same way a feather would work against warding off a pack of wolves.’

11. ‘Congratulations he’s 9lbs 8ozs!’ *Arranges university interview*

12. You kept saying my waters were bulging but I don’t know if you expected them to hit the wall at the back of the room.

13. X factor is almost as painful as contractions

14. I heard the midwife say to Rob, ‘Aw look, the diamorphine must be giving her some relief. She’s resting.’ But she has mistaken relief for death.

Also as a bonus round here is the message I sent to my Mum at 1am:

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Decorative Bubbles 1
Decorative Bubbles 2

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