5 Things Your Child is Guaranteed To Lose Within a Month at School

Hoo-f*cking-ray, shouted parents across the UK at the start of September!

After spending six weeks unable to chuck our children out of the car on a school day and triumphantly Tokyo drift away child-free, it was well worth spending hundreds of pounds on uniform that costs more per item on average than Gucci just for the FREEDOM.

Or so we thought, because sod's law dictates that the little sociopaths love to deliberately wind us up by
losing their expensive sh*t within a month of the new academic year.

1. The £40 official school blazer

You know that expensive, ill-fitting school blazer with the official emblem that the school insists that your
child wears, as children cannot possibly learn without wearing such a hideous garment? The one you
spent HOURS arguing with the little brat over in the school uniform shop whilst the snobby, cliquey
mums looked on smugly, because their little angel would never dare behave in such an undignified
manner? Yeah, that one. Say farewell, friend. You won't see that again. May as well wipe your arse with the cash.

2. Their PE Kit

Give it two, maybe three PE sessions before the inevitable 6am screams of 'IT'S A PE DAY TODAY, DID
YOU WASH MY UNIFORM? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I NEVER PUT IT IN THE WASH! I'M NOT LYING,
MUM! NO, I DIDN'T LEAVE IT ON THE SCHOOL FIELD IN A BUSH...' Buy yourself a nice, hard tipple in anticipation. Perhaps a spare PE kit to stash away, too.

3. Their expensive branded school bag that they cried and begged you for

Because the £5 Primark bag that does the job perfectly well was, of course, looked at with pure revulsion
by your precious prince/princess, you decided to be nice and treat them to a 'cool' branded bag. Their
street cred shot through the roof, not that you were thanked for it, mind. Let's be honest, kids are mostly
sociopathic by nature and do not give a flying f*ck, because once you've given in they'll go out of their
merry way to make sure that they then LOSE the bag that they coveted so much.
Then again, at least it means that the 'disgustiiiiing' Primark backpack you forgot to take back for a
refund will come in handy!

4. Their lunch box, along with your favourite cutlery and tupperware.

Tupperware hoarding mums everywhere will be clutching at their pearls over this one - don't ever bother
investing in decent tupperware for school lunches, because it'll end mouldering at the bottom of their
locker for the rest of the year, cultivating its own colony of a new species of bacteria that could probably
be the cure for Covid-19 or something equally grim.
And don't get us started on the morning you discover there is NO F*CKING TEASPOONS for your cuppa
as your darling child has taken them all in for their lunchtime yoghurt, only for them to be left for the
school to aquire as their own.

5. Their motivation to be remotely helpful around the house ever again this academic year.

We swear, the second the homework assignments hit, your chances of having even one measley chore
being done for the rest of the year are rendered to 0.00001%. Or at least, chores done with ANY iota of
enthusiasm and competence. May as well do the flipping lot yourself, it's the only way you know that it'll
be done to a decent standard!