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Mum Problems

Parents Waste More Than 10 Years of Life Pleading With Kids To Sleep

Researchers at the University of Bloody Shattered Mums & Dads have surmised something that I’m sure will come as no surprise.

Professor Goto Sleep-Now, who is based at the university, has found that parents waste over TEN YEARS of their lives overall pleading with their children to go the fuck to sleep. This imploring may often include phrases such as;

  • No, you’ve JUST had a drink and snack!
  • Stop messing around with your brother/sister/the cat/the dog
  • I can tell you the meaning of life in the morning.
  • No, I do not want to know a secret.
  • But you’ve JUST been for a wee… are you having me on?!
  • Right, the toys/TV are coming OUT now, enough is enough!
  • Why did you spit your drink out? Stop trying to drag bedtime out by making us change your pj’s again!
  • No, you’ve already had 379 books read to you tonight. You don’t need another.
  • No, there is not a ghost in your bedroom.
  • Ok, just one more kiss goodnight.
  • What do you mean, your bed sheets feel ‘wobbly’?!

The professor went on to tell us…

“You’ll be spending, on average, ten long years of your life in total pleading with your children to close their eyes and just sleep. This may vary slightly depending on the number of children you have, but the long story cut short is this – you’ll never take sleep for granted again.”

She advised that parents take advantage of the following…

  • Good strong coffee
  • Discount deals on Red Bull
  • ‘Micro naps’ when you have 5 minutes spare
  • Contraception
  • Your local padded cell
  • Rare nights when your child actually goes down, follow them the heck upstairs and go to sleep early too!

Do you agree with Professor Goto Sleep-Now? We bloomin’ well do…

(For anyone who hasn’t clocked it yet… This is a parody and not to be taken seriously. Still bloody true though!)

For those middle of the night, losing the will, send help moments, make sure you download the Bump, Baby & You support app. There will be plenty of exhausted parents who are trying desperately not to scream “go the f*ck to sleep” so you’ll be in good company.

Read more about getting no sleep here…

The Sleeping Agreement
Why Sleeping When Baby Sleeps Isn’t As Easy As It Sounds

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