On a scale of 0 to 10 just how pregnant is she?
1- Super happy baby number two is on the way. Does happy dance in kitchen.
*As a man, this is base camp before you climb Everest. You hang out here as long as possible but the fact remains, your life is about to go tits up.
2- Panic. Just panic. “We can’t do this. What were we thinking. Your willy is never allowed near me ever again ever!” Yeah so now you’re at base camp, naked and cold, knowing your sex life is on the ropes and by on the ropes I mean being stretchered off to the morgue.
3- “Awesome! Can’t wait to meet baby no.2.” Happy dance with additional crying of happy tears. Pregnant tears must be caused by a baby pressing on the bladder and pushing fluids up. She is either on the loo, crying or on the loo crying.
4- She is hiding in the spare room with colour charts and black bin liners building a nest. My stuff is being dumped. Her stuff is sentimental but mine is for the rubbish..also, how are there 37 types of white paint?
5- Me- “Oh your boobies are getting bigger!” Wife- “You touch, you die!”
6- Wine stock piling has begun. I don’t know if I live in a house or a French vineyard. Surely this much alcohol is illegal without some sort of license. Her bouts of random crying seem to be countered by her holding wine and giggling.
7- I’m in the bad books for not doing what she never told me I should have done but I was meant to know anyway and didn’t do it.
8- I set the table wrong for dinner. She lost her shit. I’m apologising for the set up. Still don’t know the reason behind the meltdown. Further investigation required.
9- “I’ve put on so much weight!” – well maybe it’s because you’re pregnant and the extra weight is becau…..crying begins again. Deffo not happy tears.
10- “That girl has four kids and is a complete idiot. We can deffo do this!” Wow so you reached the summit…oh wait, what are those bigger mountains up ahead!