This story made me cry. I battled terrible PND, and whilst my feelings weren’t quite as extreme as the lady’s in this story, it really hit home for me how hard I found it to bond with my son. He is now 1 and I am completely and utterly head over heels, to the moon and back in love with him, he is my pride and joy – we’ve been fortunate.
I just want to hug this woman and find her the help she needs… here is my open letter to her, I hope she reads it and can draw some strength from the support.
To the mama who went public with her admission on Reddit that she doesn’t like her son and would have been ‘relieved’ if he’d died in his sleep…
An overview for people who didn’t bother to read the story and jumped STRAIGHT IN to judge with abhorrent comments;
- Yes, she was using contraception.
- She found out she was pregnant too late for a termination in her country (abortion limits vary globally).
- She lost her job (illegally) as a result of her pregnancy.
- NO ONE could have forseen the state of her mental health due to the pregnancy therefore saying she should have been sterilised is invalid and ridiculous.
- She’s a loving mum to her 2 daughters so obviously does have the capacity to be an excellent mother.
- Adoption wasn’t an option as she didn’t feel it right to keep 2 children and then give one away – and again, who could have forseen the state of her mental health? It’s likely that she felt she’d grow to love the baby.
- She doesn’t ignore or abuse him. He is treated the same way as his sisters as she hides these feelings. One could argue he may sense the resentment which is fair enough, but he is not abused.
“I feel guilty about it and don’t want to feel this way, which is why I’m here. I don’t want a lecture, I want some help to try and not feel this way. I hate feeling this way. I don’t want to feel this way, I’m just….I don’t know.
“I know he didn’t ask to be brought into this world and he deserves better, but I don’t know how to make myself feel differently.”
Why I don’t judge you, mama…
You recognise that something isn’t right.
You’re honest about it and have sought help.
Re-fucking-spect for your honesty and bravery.
I hope so much that you get somewhere with your little boy, and I do not judge you in the slightest.
- You clearly are suffering with some form of severe depression, reading your story as someone who had PND. The fact you’re seeing therapists indicates there’s a mental health element.
- As someone who had PND, I will never judge someone for mental health issues.
- You recognise that something is wrong – obviously you don’t want these irrational feelings – and you’ve repeatedly sought help!
- It’s not your fault. MH issues can affect any mama. You’ve had so much shit thrown at you.
I beg people to stop judging. I know it’s hard to read what she’s saying as her statements are pretty extreme but try to consider that her feelings are hugely irrational and involuntary.
Would you judge a paranoid schizophrenic for hearing voices?
Would you judge somebody with bipolar for their ups and downs?
No…? Ok, so why judge a struggling mother who is screaming out for help?
You can’t just ‘stop’ feeling these things, you cannot put aside or lock away mental health issues.
I also suspect she’s perceiving her husbands feelings towards her son in such a way due to severe depression, or is fabricating this to deflect and make herself seem less awful , I don’t believe her husband feels the same way at all. It would be interesting to hear from him.
I appreciate that for parents who’ve lost babies or people struggling with infertility, it would have been incredibly hard to read – I personally have conditions affecting my own fertility. Just please bear in mind that this woman’s feelings are clearly irrational and she admits that she feels extreme guilt, but has no control over it.
Please, if you ever meet someone or someone you know is clearly struggling with or without a diagnosis of mental health issues, PLEASE offer them support.
With terrible comments condemning this woman it is no bloody wonder why so few mums are brave enough to speak out and seek support when they’re fucking drowning.
If you need to talk… my email inbox is always open. Email me at [email protected] for a chat.
Love from Katie. Xx