When I Knew About You
It’s kinda scary how fast time has really gone, I remember doing the pregnancy test and thinking, no it can’t be, its just a false alarm!
As everyone worries sometimes, we were just over reacting… but the tell tale signs were there. I threw up the morning I found out, which was a little suspicious but maybe it could just be a bug?.. I remember looking at the pregnancy test, with two lines on the front, and I was terrified… my first reaction was to cry.
I was just turned 18, I wanted to work with British Airways and earn my wings as a Cabin Crew member, I wanted to travel the world, and have my photography business on the side too… I was terrified that was it, my life was over… people are going to judge me for the rest of my life, and there I was just stood there looking at a positive test like …shit…
It wasn’t all bad, it was just such an unbelievably huge wave of emotions that I’ve never felt before all at the same time!… From excitement, to shock, to worry, to joy, literally everything hits you at once, you know how it is when you don’t exactly plan it.
All I immediately wanted to do, was tell my mum, she’ll know what to do, but even inside it worried me a little, how she may react. So of course, being at Blake’s dads at the time, we raced over to my mums, with the pee stick hidden safely in my pocket. When I told her I cried but this time, I cried with excitement and a little less fear now that one of my best friend (my mum) supported me no matter what!.
After about two or three days of pondering… overthinking… fuck… I’m actually going to be a mum!… what am I going to do about work?… about money?… how are we going to get everything we need in time?… like ahhhh!!!… I’m going to get stretch marks?… what if I end up like a whale and just don’t go back down?… It’s going to fucking hurt man!… I’m scared… bye bye vagina!… I have no idea what to expect… I can’t do this…
Now my mum had me at exactly the same age i had Blake, (the photo above is me and my mum at one of my old birthday parties, isn’t she a stunner! what was my hair cut about though!!… not my best look :/) and I like to think I have turned out ok thanks to her and my dads guidance growing up… yes you are bound to be judged, I was judged like hell when I was pregnant and at the time I hated it, but what I have come to realise is a lot of people judge others in this crazy world we live in, unfortunately… but fuck the haters, Mummying/Daddying is hard bloody work people, whether you are young, or old(er) and every parent no matter what they say, are all going through the same thing! Stretch marks man… I think I got away with only a few in the end, but I literally could not give a damn, they say to me, that I have put my body through something that only us women can do, I grew another human! like wtf! :O
So back to when I found out about you, after three days of pondering, I thought YES, I can freaking do this, and you know what, despite everything, I’ve smashed it ever since!…
Although I had a wave of emotions to start with when I found out, which of course is bound to happen! It’s such a massive change in your life, why would you not be a little worried, if not a lot emotional! Aha, as times gone on, i have absolutely no regrets what so ever! Me thinking i’d have no life… he is my life, my world and everything in it… you adapt to the mummy role so fast, as they start to move in your belly in fact, and little flutters, turn into little kicks, and little kicks into massive somersaults (majority of the time on mummy’s bladder too!) but your maternal instinct kick in and you just do! You do your absolute best everyday, come rain or shine, come poorly or fine, and I would not have it any other way. Just like my mum did and still does.
I am so proud to call Blake my baby each and everyday! and I’m also so so excited to see the person he is becoming! Nearly 2! blimey… 2 years has flown by, but it has been the best two years of my life so far, watching him develop in his own little way!
I love you little man!<3