An Open Letter To My Pregnant Self

Recently I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my past. I’ve had some amazing points in my life over the past year, and whilst thinking about how I can’t believe how drastically my life has changed and how I felt I would never get to the point I am now at, admittedly, I have been thinking about the very reasons my life has changed so much.

This year I have said my goodbyes to the refuge, I have a new home I am in the process of decorating, I have a wonderful, loving partner who adores Bear and I, I have an amazing group of friends, and Bear’s dad and I now have an amazingly civil relationship all things considered, and I for one am so proud of the fact that we are able to coparent as well as we do despite the past we once shared. There are so many things in my life I couldn’t be more thankful for.

So I decided to write again for the first time in months. This time an open letter to myself. Mostly because it’s cathartic, but also in the hopes that I can stop dwelling on a past that led me to have the blessed life I am so grateful for.

To my pregnant self,

You owe it to yourself and your baby to be proud of the changes in your body. Stop crying and smile. Because the baby you hold in your tummy will be the making of you. He will change everything about you and your life. But you will never feel more you. On your worst days, he will look at you and smile, and you will be his whole world and more. He will change the way you look, the way you live, the way you carry yourself—and he will offer so much purpose and he will offer so much promise. Not just in your future but his own, too.

You owe it to yourself to take days out just for you. Pregnancy is tiring at the best of times. Combine that will all the turmoil you are going through and it’s a recipe for disaster. Take a day off. Breathe. Take care of yourself and your growing baby. Nobody else matters.

Stop stressing about things completely out of your control. This is a motto you have adopted throughout your entire life, but have never followed it thoroughly. That man isn’t interested? Good. You have your son to focus on and pour all of your love into.

See your friends for once. You need a support system that is not your child’s father—you could not rely on him back then. See your friends. Release some tension, leave the house.

Take your health seriously. You had heart problems, sciatica, trapped nerves, prolonged morning sickness, exhaustion. You had a barrel of physical shit on top of the emotional shit. If your body says ‘no’, stop trying to hide your tears and power through. Stop saying “I’m fine” when you want to go home, curl up in bed and sob through the pain. Spend more time in bed and less time trying to keep busy to distract your mind. Stop doing everything for him, and stop trying to keep him happy. He’s his own man. You are your own woman. You owe it to yourself to breathe.

To my pregnant self,

I’m sorry I allowed you to be treated so poorly. I’m sorry I didn’t let you rest. I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate you and everything you went through back then. But I do now, and everything you went through has made me stronger, and happier than I have ever been.

To my pregnant self,

I promise to make up for letting you experience everything you did. I promise you with all of my heart, I will never, ever put you through that again.

Written by Molly McMullan for her blog Life With Tristan.

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