We are coming to the end of #miscarriageandinfantlossawareness week & although my most heartbreaking loss was over 10 years ago iIstill think what if.
I was 20 & hadn’t been with my boyfriend very long so I was completely shocked to see 2 lines especially being on the pill! I was a mix of emotions, excited, scared, nervous but above all I knew I wanted this baby. I was in my final year of A levels so it wouldn’t affect my studies & after the initial shock, family were happy too.
I had my first midwife app at 8 weeks, signed up for a maternity card, got my bounty pack & signed up to Emma’s diary & started reading loads of pregnancy stuff.
At just over 10 weeks I was getting loads of pain. After a 6 hour wait at a&e they did a pregnancy test which was obviously positive, asked if I had any bleeding which I hadn’t, checked my cervix which was closed and told me it was probably nothing & to come back in 3 days for a scan.
I believed them. I thought it was going to be fine.
3 days later we went for the scan. I lay there patiently waiting but all there was, was silence. The lady started asking about my dates & could I be wrong, of course I wasn’t wrong i knew my dates. She then said she needed to get someone else so there was just a deadly silence whilst we waited. The next person came in & did an internal scan. Same results. They could see baby but was measuring behind & had no heartbeat. They weren’t convinced I had my dates right & told me to come back in 2 weeks for another scan.Heartbroken we left.
I think my body knew it was time to let go & a few days later I started bleeding heavily & I blanked most of that time out. Too upsetting to remember.
We went back for the next scan although we already knew it was over, we wanted to make sure everything was gone which is was. I was taken into a separate room, given a brief chat by a midwife & sent on my way.
Nothing could describe the upset I felt when pregnancy things kept arriving in the post, vouchers & my maternity card appeared. My family tried to keep me from seeing things though for which I am grateful.
10 years later it’s much less taboo but no less heartbreaking for those going through it now. These comments I heard a decade ago are still being used and it hurts. So be kind to others.
It took me 8 more years 2 rounds of fertility treatment and many negative tests with my current partner to get my rainbow baby and then we were blessed with a natural boy 19 months after our rainbow boy but I’ll never know if their half sibling was a brother or sister and I didn’t get a scan photo, no bump photos, no physical evidence my baby was ever here, just an everlasting memory imprinted on my heart.