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by Katie Hodgkins

Gender Disappointment

When we found out we were pregnant for the second time, I was naturally over the moon.

Like I said previously, I danced around the kitchen like a lottery winner literally jumping up and down with excitement.

We (well I) had been planning this second pregnancy a lot more to try for a boy. Ellie didn’t really believe in all the gender swaying nonsense as she put it and is much more a believer in fate.

I however, being the scientific type, became obsessed. And I mean obsessed!

Ovulation calendars, eating bananas for breakfast, wearing boxer shorts that are 15 sizes too big to give the boys air to breathe, planning conception like a military operation…. this list goes on. I really was obsessed with trying to get a boy!

People always say ‘as long as it’s healthy’ and ‘it really doesn’t matter’ but to a lot of people, it does!

It sounds like an incredibly selfish and horrible thing to say but it’s true. Ever since I was a young boy I have always dreamt of playing football, cricket, rugby, snooker, pool, tennis (the list goes on, as you can see I love sport) with my boy! The thought of never having the opportunity of taking my boy down the local football team and enjoying a beer with him made me literally want to cry. And there’s nothing wrong or selfish with that. It’s totally normal behaviour for some people.

This was our second baby too and I knew spatially , financially and for our own sanity we couldn’t possibly have three and so this was our last chance for a boy and I become increasingly stressed and pressured by this. Everywhere I go I saw happy baby boys. Suddenly all my friends and family had happy boys, local lads in the park kicking a ball, lads in the pub with their dads enjoying a beer, it was all becoming silly and was all I thought about.

So we had the 20 week scan and of course I had read up on every theory going but one in particular beforehand was called the Nub theory. It involves looking the sexual organ Nub at the 12 week scan and it has a 95%+ success rate.

Que me going on every forum and free analysis page available online like a keyboard warrior tracking down the sex of my poor little unborn instead of enjoying the moment like I should have.

Result – every single result (and there was a LOT) came back as a girl. ‘Certain girl’ ‘pink’ and ‘wow 100% girl’ included the comments!

So by the time the 20 week scan came and following my ridiculous amount of research I was certain it was a girl and because I saw nothing to persuade me otherwise, that was it, we were having a girl, and I turned into a total dick. But more serious than this, it actually affected me and resulted in me getting depressed.

People reading this will again think ‘what a tool this guy is’ and ‘he is so ungrateful’ but it’s a fact of life and something we shouldn’t be ashamed of.

When I spoke to someone professionally about how I was feeling she explained to me that was the biggest problem – shame. Don’t be ashamed to admit you would feel disappointment if you didn’t get the gender you wanted.

I honestly cried myself to sleep some nights at the reality of never having a son. I felt that I couldn’t moan too much to Ellie (even though I did) because she was going through enough but looking back now, in the beginning I said some horrible stuff which I can never take back and I should have spoken to someone first rather than bottling it up for weeks.

Shame for feeling sad that you may never get what you dreamt of is nothing to be ashamed of! Admit your feelings and talk, talk and talk some more.

Looking back now it seems even more crazy as I didn’t even know the sex but I was certain that nothing could persuade me otherwise.

No matter what anyone says, as soon as you seen your new baby take its first breath after the miracle of childbirth you will love it and forget nearly all of the silly things that suddenly become irrelevant.

After all that silliness and worry and depression,  it turned out everyone was wrong!

My beautiful bouncing baby boy was born and I was the happiest man alive. Literally.

I jumped around the delivery room kissing nurses, midwives and doctors.

So, I guess I can’t comment fully on gender disappointment as in the end I got what I wanted. But I know how low I got and know that as with most things in life the way to overcome it is TALK! And don’t be ashamed. All feelings are natural no matter how silly or selfish they seem.

Written by Rob Davies for his blog, 2 Under 2 From a Man’s Point of View.

You can follow him on Facebook here!

Katie Hodgkins Image
I'm Katie, and I'm a mama, wife, and freelance content creator for Bump, Baby & You. I also help to run our thriving online community over in our Facebook support group, as well as volunteering for my local branch of the National Childbirth Trust. I'm a busy bee and enjoy keeping active, cooking, writing, and fun days out with my little family. My special topics of interest are... autism (as me and my son are both autistic), science, all things parenting and pregnancy related, and The Handmaids Tale!
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