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by Katie Hodgkins

Hope After Loss

At the age of 20, I found out I was pregnant. Me & my other half weren’t ready for it nor had we planned to become parents but we’d been together for 4 years and we took this as a blessing and were pretty excited! 

However, it was early in the pregnancy so the wait for our first scan seemed like a lifetime away. I didn’t know how far gone I was but i had to tell my family, but then the one thing every pregnant mother fears happened and I started to bleed. I went straight up to the hospital to be told, “it can be normal to have spotting during early pregnancy” and I was sent home.

A few days later, I was still bleeding so I went back to hospital, I demanded a scan and the doctors performed a scan and I could see my little bean there on screen. Tiny. But I still wasn’t reassured, so I had a gynaecologist come and take a look and they said that I should monitor the bleeding, brilliant. What was happening? I didn’t have an answer! 

I decided to go to another hospital who specialise in maternity and early pregnancy. Me and my partner anxiously sat in the waiting room for our names to be called and when they were we went into the room for our scan. I was too early for the scan to be picked up via a normal ultrasound so I had to have a vaginal scan. 

The nurse checked and checked and then she delivered the news, our baby had no heartbeat. I was 13 weeks pregnant but I had been having a slow miscarriage for 2 weeks. Our world was shattered. 

After a sit down with a doctor and given our options, we went back off home to tell our families the devastating news. 

How do you prepare yourself for a miscarriage when you know it’s happening? You can’t. I was scheduled to go back to the hospital in about a week for me to be monitored but I was told that I could miscarry at home before then. That’s what happened.

Off work and at home, with just my partner and mum and it happened. The pain, the cramps, the emotion, the anger it all just happened at once. Everything just came crashing down and that was it, my pregnancy was over. I’ve never been so heartbroken before, I didn’t know what to feel, how to talk to people or how to be me anymore. 

2 weeks later I went back to work, people knew my situation and were so caring and understanding. I wasn’t even 21 yet and I felt like the worst thing my life had happened to me. 

A few months later, I found out I was pregnant again! A little rainbow baby!

Me and my partner had decided that going back on contraception wasn’t necessary, we’d already prepared ourselves for a baby and if it was to happen again, we’d be happy and here they were, I was 21, pregnant again. So many happy thoughts were diminished to worry because of my previous experience. It was early on in the pregnancy again, but I wasn’t waiting this time. I booked a private scan. 

I was 10 weeks pregnant and they could see my baby! My baby had a heartbeat too! I cried, I cried a lot. I was so so happy, I got to see my baby, my little rainbow baby. They were okay. 

The worry, anxiety and emotion carried on throughout all of my pregnancy. I couldn’t just enjoy it, with every milestone I hit, a what if came into play. I didn’t fully enjoy my pregnancy but I cherished it, every moment. 

Now, 4 years on, I have a beautiful little girl and a new baby boy! 

It still to this day hurts and I think about who my first baby would of been but my two babies on earth are the most precious little angels I could have ever wished for. 

Don’t give up hope after a miscarriage and try to enjoy your pregnancies after a miscarriage. You don’t get that time back.

Written by our anonymous guest blogger.

Katie Hodgkins Image
I'm Katie, and I'm a mama, wife, and freelance content creator for Bump, Baby & You. I also help to run our thriving online community over in our Facebook support group, as well as volunteering for my local branch of the National Childbirth Trust. I'm a busy bee and enjoy keeping active, cooking, writing, and fun days out with my little family. My special topics of interest are... autism (as me and my son are both autistic), science, all things parenting and pregnancy related, and The Handmaids Tale!
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