Written by Luca Russell for her blog, Just Luca.
Every other night, Josh and I need to physically and mentally prepare ourselves.
As the evening approaches, we can feel the anticipation building up inside.
Palms are sweaty, knees weak arms are heavy, vomit on our sweaters already..(quite literally, tiny hitler will boke with a burp now and again.)
That’s right folks, this god awful event that occurs… is in fact …Lochlanns bath time.
Now I don’t know what on earth my son thinks is happening to him when he gets his bath, but judging by his screams, he must think the world is coming to an end, I’ve never heard a baby’s cry resemble so much like something from Jurassic park.
Bath time is half an hour of regimented ritual yet one big GO GO GOOOOO kind of event, get him in and out as fast as possible, for our own sanity, but above all for the sake of our hearing! That scream makes your head spin.
Starting the minute he’s laid on his changing mat, it’s as if the wee shite just KNOWS what’s coming, then trying to strip him down, getting the onsie off then the nappy, it’s like fighting with an octopus that’s had ten cans of redbull, legs and arms wriggling and kicking, then bunching himself up so you can’t get it off.
Then just as an extra FUCK YOU MUMMY AND DADDY he will more than likely piss everywhere – why are wee baby boys willies like a fire hose that no one has a hold of, flying about in all different directions, getting wee all over the place, then grabbing the nappy to try and cover it to stop the flow, then missing every time, further resulting in getting wee all over your hand, clothes and in some cases even sprinkles on your face!
So after we’ve been kicked and punched and wee’d on its now time to brace ourselves for the actual event, child still screaming and his knuckles white clinging onto me for dear life as I lower him into his bath……
Ever get that high pitched ringing in your ear? Yep, the sound of his scream has very nearly given me tinnitus… his face and body is now roaring red and tears streaming down his face crying so hard, you’d swear jaws was swimming about underneath him. Que a mini tsunami in your living room (his baby bath is set up in there), from all his trashing about and kicking and wailing and sliding all over the place, most of the water and suds ends up all over us or on the floor rather than on him, two for the price of one I guess? It was his bath time yet I got a bath too, yay me!
After the god awful traumatic event of the wash down he is removed from the bath and back onto his mat and towel to be dried, powdered, nappy and pj’s on, even this event is just as traumatic because he hates being cold….que the screams until he’s red in the face and back again to wrestling with a mini octopus and possibly getting wee’d on yet again. Hopefully sooner rather than later my son will realise bath time doesn’t have to be such a horrible occurrence.
I need a large wine, a bag of minstrels and a lay down after that.
Please see below my son on the screamy comedown as his pj’s are put on, then a bleary eyed baby having his bottle and pondering life after all the watery trauma…