Buying matching jumpers:
The moment I tried to convince myself to get excited for Oscar’s new brother or sister.
The moment that I’d finally settled with the idea, that no matter how much of a shock, no matter how poorly I would be, and no matter what expense that came with it, too, that we were going to keep the new life growing inside of me.
Those same matching jumpers that started off my excitement for my new pregnancy… Also broke my heart at the end of it.
That’s the thing isn’t it? I didn’t expect my pregnancy to end; why would I? I’d given birth to one healthy baby, and even though I’d only known for 5 short days, it was 5 short days of throwing up and discussing how our lives were going to change; eyeing up prams, big brother t shirts and matching outfits.
The early days pregnancy bloat, gave me the vision of how I was going to look 5months in… How round my belly was meant to get, and how I would feel feeling for kicks.
In those short 5 days I’d already made a list of names and an appointment for an early scan to see my new baby’s heartbeat.
And then it began… The bleeding. The miscarriage. The unknown.
Will I bleed a lot? … Will I be in agony? Could I be one of the exceptional cases where the bleeding is nothing and the baby is still fine?
It’s soul wrenching, even as someone who wasn’t sure about my pregnancy, it still broke my heart to lose something so precious.
But this is a reality for 250,000 women a year, and it’s something that needs to be openly discussed and shared.
There needs to be a better support network, there’s no shame and no reason to keep quiet… A loss is a loss, and should be treated accordingly.
So, mamas: if you’ve lost a baby at 1 or 2 days, or 6 or 7 months… Just know that there’s always someone who feels your pain. Mama, you’re not alone… Just look at me… With my two jumpers.
Edited by Rebecca Wright