Mortified moments.

I have had MANY embarrassing moments in my life, too many, who hasnt eh?

Like that time i went on my hoop in villa belfast whilst trying to impress a new love interest…i seductively stuck out my (once) very perky bum and sat on the edge of a table where ALL OUR DRINKS where sitting and BOOM the table broke and i fell on my ass.

Todays events just adds to the list, and it took place in my very own home.

Lochlann is teething again, and when this happens he gets the most rancid nappies that come out as explosions, the type you need to wear all plastic, rubber gloves, goggles and a clothes peg on your nose, on top of that armed with a power hose and bleach.

Just to set the scene, our front door is very wide with a window in the middle and two windows either side of the door, you can see out onto the street and anyone from the street can also see in, right infront of the door as you enter is our stairs, again, anyone looking in you can see everything clearly. This is relevant, stay with me.

So needless to say Lochlann had his 5th poo explosion today, off to the changer we go, i pull off his nappy and boom, mess. I pull out about 7 wipes and begin the clean up, for some reason or another i could not get this poo cleaned, it was as if the poo had tiny magnets in it and was stuck to his ass, the more i wiped the more it just moved around and wouldnt come off. I was getting annoyed and of course the child was getting annoyed and impatient, i could imagine him shouting “come on peasant hurry up these toys, setee and tv remotes arent gonna drool all over themselves!”.

After muttering a few profanities under my breath i decide FUCK IT just dump him in the bath and rinse him off with the shower, yes thatll be the easiest thing. I lift the squire off his mat and let him run bare arsed up the hall and up the stairs, thankfully noone was walking past our house at the time otherwise theyd have caught a sight of my son crawling up the stairs waddling his little poo covered bum as he went.

As Lochlann has got older he has grown to love the bath but he HATES the shower, unfortunately for him i hadnt the time or the patience to wait on the bath filling up, so i turned on the shower and all hell broke loose 😫 he screamed bloody murder, i dropped the shower head 20 million times, water was going everywhere, child was crawling the walls trying to get away from it, it was just a shambles! I pulled my jumper off as it got soaked, so there i am in just my bra and leggings trying to rinse and scrub poo of my screaming child that keeps sliding all over the place and trying to get away from me.

Finally hes clean and im standing, holding him on my hip wrapped up in a towel, rinsing away the last few bits of magnetic poo particals down the drain. I take him into his room, get him all dried, bum cream on, nappy and fresh pj’s on, i have a very tired and now relaxed boy. He loves it when i go down the stairs one at a time and count and sing, so down the stairs we go, bouncing and singing, hes giggling and so am i, i look up and i see a woman in the street with two dogs on the lead, looking in at us with a strange look on her face….i think to myself WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THON WOMAN LOOKING IN HERE FOR!?!….then i notice….it clicked…..im standing there in my (very unattractive, grey, overstretched) bra….my bra and leggings….i look down at myself and look up again, she obviously saw me shout “OH FUCK!” because she burst out laughing, i turned and ran back up the stairs faster than ive ever run in my existance, boobs and arse flapping and bouncing about! Mumbling “oh fuck, oh fuck OH FUCK!” with every step i jump, and not to mention a very red face….

Sure, what can ye do? Im surprised the woman didnt turn to stone at the sight of me 😂😂😂

This will be one to tell the grand kids 😂🍸

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