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Generational trauma is something that victims of parental abuse of all types tend to strive to avoid passing on to their own children.
No matter the form of the abuse a new parent went through from their own parents, there tends to be a very strong protective urge to ensure that the new children born into the family escape the cycle of abuse that their parents experienced - and it's only natural, of course! However, family dynamics are complicated and it's not always possible to go 'zero contact' with an abusive parent even when you reach adulthood. What do you do, in this instance, when you become a parent but your abusive parent is still in your life in some capacity?
One new mum has taken to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board to question if she's in the wrong for not wanting her verbally abusive and aggressive mother in the life of her new baby - much to the fury of the grandmother in question!
Read the post below...
"I (F28) recently became a mother to a beautiful baby girl. My mother (F51) has always been a difficult person to be around. She has a history of being verbally abusive towards me and my siblings, and has a tendency to become very angry over small things.
Since having my daughter, I've been hesitant to let my mother around her. I don't want my daughter to be exposed to that kind of behavior. However, my mother has been pressuring me to let her see the baby. She says that she wants to be a part of her granddaughter's life and that she promises to be on her best behavior.
Last week, my mother came over unannounced and demanded to see the baby. I told her that I wasn't comfortable with her holding her, but my mother became very angry and started yelling at me. She called me a terrible mother and said that I was keeping her granddaughter away from her.
At this point, I lost my temper and told her that I didn't want her around my daughter at all. I reminded her of the way she had treated me and my siblings growing up, and how I didn't want my daughter to be exposed to that kind of behavior.
Now my mother is telling everyone in our family that I'm keeping her granddaughter away from her and that I'm being unreasonable. I know that my daughter deserves to have a relationship with her grandmother, but I can't bring myself to let her be around such a toxic person.
AITA for not wanting my mother to see my daughter?
For everyone saying please don't let my mom be around my daughter I'm not after this incident I'm never having her around her it's just I haven't talked to her in years and it was like that empty feeling that I'd felt my whole life of just wanting a mother who cared and when she said she'd be there and she be on her best behavior I thought well maybe with my birth with my daughter she'll have a change which I knew deep down that would never happened it was just false hopes. But thanks everyone for their concerns.
The action I took that should be judged that haven't let my mom be around my daughter. This action makes me feel like a little bit of an asshole because I haven't seen my mom in years and this is her granddaughter but I don't want the cycle of abuse to continue and couple hours later after I didn't let her see her granddaughter she sent me a voicemail cussing at me and calling me an asshole."
Find the main thread here on Reddit.
What was the general consensus?
This new mother was voted to be absolutely NTA (Not The Asshole) by the sympathetic readers of Reddit, many of whom chimed in with their own experiences of toxic and abusive parents. The top rated comment summarised the situation well;
"Calls around unannounced
Demands to see the baby
Yells at you
Calls you a terrible mother
And she calls that her best behavior? Gee, I'd hate to see her worst.
NTA."
Our verdict...
The saying that 'blood is thicker than water' is, quite frankly, nonsense. The poster is doing the right thing and should trust her gut. As others pointed out, the grandmother DID have a chance to prove that she could conduct herself calmly and kindly - despite turning up uninvited - and blew it with her entitled and horrible behaviour.
This woman sounds quite frightening really; erratic, aggressive, and toxic. Could there be longstanding undiagnosed mental health issues or addiction at play? We hate to speculate but perhaps, and it is worth taking into consideration, but the fundamental fact is that this woman is not taking steps to help herself. She has been told repeatedly, and shown by the distance put between them by her own daughter, that her behaviour is a problem, yet it persists. Therapy, medical help to identify possible mental health issues, mediation with family - they're all options. It's a huge shame that the dynamics of this mother and daughter are so broken, seemingly beyond repair, but ultimately the mum is completely right to be shielding her baby from this sorry saga.
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