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Baby showers are supposed to be fun, with loads of hilarious games planned, lots of cake, and gifts exchanged.
It's rare that we ever see strife over a baby shower here at Bump, Baby & You but this latest story from the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board has surprised us - it's a very contentious topic as it involves race, so be prepared. Read the post below...
"I need some outside perspective here.
I am 6 months pregnant & due to have a baby shower in the next few weeks. The important context is that I am super, can’t spent more than 20 minutes in the sun, white British & my partner is British Indian.
My friends were discussing games to play on the day & one suggested it ‘would be fun’ to play a version of her workplaces tea chart - They have a dulux paint chart that they mark their name against for what colour they like their tea/coffee to be. The point being to make the tea run easier when people are in the office. For that context, I think that’s actually a great idea.
Her suggestion was that people place bets using the same scale of paint chart (from cream to dark brown) on what skin colour my child will have.
NOW I am not on board with this, at a minimum is odd & at a maximum it’s pretty bloody racist. I’m being accused of being over sensitive for not wanting to play a ‘fun, harmless’ game. My partner also thinks it’s very odd & is against it being played.
AITA for really not being into it/banning it as a game?
EDIT: firstly, thank you for your responses & well wishing for me & the baby. Onto the actual update - I’ve lost a fair few friends over this.
I spoke to the friend who originally suggested it & she maintained that it’s just fun & sent me a link to a routine by a comedian talking about how stupid it is for people to get offended on other peoples behalf with the message ‘this is what you sound like’. Essentially her point is that, ‘even if it is racist’ that it isn’t directed specifically at me or my husband so we can’t be offended.
Our friendship group has basically split into the people who think she’s being a knob & the people who think I am. For an extra bonus of finding out some of my friends are awful, I discovered that a lot of the one siding with her are super okay with the phrase half-caste."
Read the full thread here on Reddit.
A stock image of a more tame baby shower game...
What was the general consensus?
The poster was voted, most definitely, NTA - Not The Asshole.
The comments section was a very interesting read, with many excellent points raised - concerns that the parent of Indian ethnicity raised his own concerns and was dismissed, and people stating how uncomfortable they'd be if this game was played at a baby shower where they were also a guest. The top rated comment was...
"NTA. It's flat out racist, and not only is it an odd thing to participate in, it's an offensive thing to participate in which was clearly made without you or any BIPOC attending the baby shower in mind." (BIPOC: Black, Indigenous, and People Of Colour)
Another highly rated comment that we spotted was... "NTA. And the fact that this was suggested for your baby says this is something your friends have probably discussed behind your back..." to which the original poster responded in agreement, stating that they're worried that this is actually the case. Responses on the thread also agreed with this point, stating that it's inappropriate, and most definitely racist.
One of our favourite comments absolutely hit the nail on the head...
"THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK? I’m Irish. So pale Irish people comment on it pale. I live in the UK and the only people who would find it jolly japes to compare a baby to a cup of tea are racists.
They are the number 6 deepest tone of Dulux racist. And may I add Dulux’s colour charts currently have some hella problematic name choices that are quite racist, colonial and off putting to me in this day and age so the fact they’ve termed this the Dulux game to rebrand the paper bag test as live laugh love racism for the modern Britain with a British Asian Prime Minister is an extra layer of ick. It’s supposed to be the Pantone chart anyway for tea or toast…
The whole comparing a child of Indian heritage to tea when Britain colonised the sub continent and tea was the major cash crop of servitude akin to sugar in the Caribbean is literally tone deaf. This is one of many reasons comparing people of colour to mocha, caramel etc is dehumanizing and insulting. It’s using items linked with oppression to now categorise them to the white gaze.
Will you be taking a Farrow and Ball chart and playing ‘what undertone of white?’ these people are? Is Susie in accounts a bit yellowy like Arsenic? Is Jenny more like putty? Funny how no one compares very pale people like me to mashed potato…
Because honestly my arse really does resemble it in tone and texture but yet here they are playing colourism with an unborn baby because to them their skin tone is the default. I wonder if they are ‘gammon is a slur’ types or just mind bendingly stupid?
I would cancel the shower. You can’t educate haddock. They spoke this out loud and argued it when you politely asked if they were serious. They aren’t going go let go now. They’ll just keep pushing an ‘afternoon tea’ theme to punish you for not going along with it.
If they genuinely didn’t realise, they’d have apologised as soon as you explained not call it harmless. NTA."
Our verdict...
If the parents-to-be say that it's inappropriate and gives her racist vibes (no matter the intent of the person who suggested it) then it shouldn't even be an argument, quite frankly. The added detail that those who have sided against the mum-to-be are using outdated and harmful terminology definitely gives us a bad feeling, and the response of the 'friend' actually feels rather like she is gaslighting.
Mum, cancel the baby shower, and perhaps arrange something new with people who aren't openly using racial slurs, ignoring BIPOC when they're stating that the game isn't something they find appropriate, or gaslighting the people they're supposed to care about. These are not real friends. Red flags aplenty!
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