Team DILF: Date Night: Escaping Double Trouble

Back in the day you organised a date by phoning a girl on the landline (praying her dad wouldn’t answer) and bish bash bosh…if all went well…you were just 6 months away from maybe touching a boobie, maybe. Fast forward to a DILF date night and things couldn’t be more different.

1- A relative will need to be employed to look after your kids. Diamonds, alcohol and hard cash will be thrown at the mother-in-law between screams of ‘please, just please’ and ‘If you loved us you would do this.’

2- If a friend or relative wasn’t free I’d even throw a fiver to Ivan the Terrible’s brother, Brian the Bastard, if it meant I got to sit at a bar and talk shite for an hour.

3- You arrive at the restaurant and yes…you look like parents. Why? Because no one else has arrived yet and normal people tend to stay at home until it’s dark, working on their contouring, pre-drink drinks and shaving areas that could be exposed as the night progresses. Single people are just sexy wolves with bikini lines and liver damage.

4- Dracula has seen more daylight than my going ‘out out’ clothes. I’m nearly sure I fitted into this get up when I bought it and now I just look like a cross between a retired boy band member and a sausage.

5- Every meal I’ve eaten in the last year has taken about 2 minutes 15 seconds tops, so this is basically a party for my digestive system. I haven’t even seen my wife eat since the birth of our second as any food is usually inhaled between episodes of Paw Patrol and that other show where the Ladybird thinks it’s a dog.

6- We spend a night away from the girls and use the opportunity to show each other photos of the kids that we took on our various alternating shifts. It’s not date night, it’s a directors meeting!

7- “Would you like a flaming Sambucca sir or maybe a free shot of Baileys?” No thanks garçon. A cup of tea will be lovely and although it may look like we are about to go clubbing, Cinderella’s mum here has our two tortures and I don’t want to do a dream feed while holding a baby in a spinning room. Taxi please!

8- “Fancy a ride love?” “Nope!” “Brilliant, I was hoping you would say that. All that eating slowly has given me IBS and the thought of cramming the Karma Sutra in before the kids wake up is making me feel queasy.”

9- Wake up on Sunday to the sounds of birds chirping and kids shouting. Excellent. Hangover…come at me bro!