So here I am, sat with a tub of Birthday Cake Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream, Call The Midwife on TV, feeling pretty sorry for myself.
You know when you want something, but you don’t realise how ardently until it seems like everyone else around you HAS what you want? That’s pretty much how I feel. We’ve been trying for baby number two for well over 18 months, and nada. Nothing. A few very nasty evaporation lines proven false by bloods, hoping beyond hope and chucking negative tests in a rage when they only show one line.
Well, tonight it feels like my newsfeed is absolutely chocked full of pregnancy announcements, scan photos, and luscious newborn snuggles. That ‘want’ has manifested into something way, way more yearning. My ‘want’ for another baby has morphed into a physical need. My body aches for another baby. There are moments when it physically takes my breath out of me.
I have PCOS, which can make it harder to conceive. Our son Max was a total surprise out of the blue thanks to weight loss, so I suppose it made us a bit cocky. We assumed it wouldn’t take so long to get pregnant the second time. I’ve lost almost five stone (I only lost 3 to conceive Max), and whilst I am still a big lass, my cycles are the most regular they’ve ever been especially since having some large cysts removed last year, ovulation tests have been positive at least half of those 18 months… and nothing.
What I’d give for morning sickness, heartburn, sore boobs and back ache, knowing the end result. The midwife appointments. The blood tests (yes, really, the blood tests), the scans, the baby clothes shopping, the announcement, the first flutters of new life. The pain of birth. The afterpains. The sleepless nights. The milky snuggles. The tiny feet. The luscious smell of a newborns head. Every single iota of the process is welcomed joyfully, even the painful bits.
Of course, that’s not to say that I’m in any way bitter towards those who’ve shared their happy news! I always bask in the good fortune of others and love nothing more than seeing other people happy, healthy and growing.
But I’m sure other ladies in the same boat as me can relate. Our good intentions and happiness for others doesn’t mean that we can’t feel our own personal sadness and desperation. If you’re reading this and feeling the same, you’re not alone, and you’re totally entitled to speak out about how you’re feeling, it doesn’t make you bitter or a moaner at all.
It’s infuriating, really… People falling pregnant at the drop of a hat without even trying, catching pregnancy as easily as they catch a cold, and here I am, seemingly immune to the pregnancy bug that everyone around me seems so susceptible to.
‘Why don’t you just adopt?’ is a question I see often, and let me tell you, it isn’t as simple as that. It’s not selfish to listen to your biological drive to experience pregnancy and birth, and to want a baby who is half you and half of your soulmate, to be able to look into their face and see your nan’s eyes, your uncle’s ears, your mum’s hair… Adoption is something we want in the future, but we’d love to experience a biological pregnancy even one more time.
I can’t get NHS help conceiving until my BMI is lower, which I understand and it’s something that I’m working on every single day. For now, I’ll carry on bulk buying ovulation and pregnancy test strips, wistfully window shopping for baby clothes, and dreaming of the day that baby number two happens for us.
Love from Katie. Xx