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Friendship dynamics can change drastically when one friend becomes a parent, that's a well-known fact.
Generally speaking, whilst priorities change, and the amount of time we have for social outings is definitely much less than pre-baby, most strong friendships survive the big changes that can happen when a new baby comes into the picture. The dynamics may change, but they evolve in a healthy and mature way. Sometimes though, sadly, cracks may start to appear, with some new mums feeling 'ditched' by their old friendship circles because they can no longer participate in social events as often.
One new mum took to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board to ask if she's in the wrong for snapping at a friend who she believes is neglecting her due to her now being a mum.
Read the full post below...
"Just over two years ago, I(f29) unexpectedly got pregnant and now have a beautiful 18 month old daughter, Ciara.
Over that time my friends circle got considerably smaller but my best friend remained, Mia (f31). Mia doesn’t have kids nor wants kids but she’s been brilliant with Ciara.
I’m a SAHM and obviously don’t have as much time to hang out as I did previously. Mia and I live on the same street (we’re in Manchester, England) and it’s a walking distance between our houses. I’ve told Mia numerous times that she can just pop in whenever she wants to (she works from home) but she rarely does.
She did at the beginning but it’s been happening less and less. Instead, she keeps suggesting we go out for coffee or pizza or even a drink but I don’t have the time and always just tell her to come over and we’ll have coffee at my place.
She asked if I wanted to go out with her and her other friends for a drink last weekend but I said that no but she’s welcome to come over and we’ll have a few drinks at mine. She said she already had plans and it felt weird to drink when she knows there’s a child around.
Honestly, I feel neglected. I feel like she put me on a back burner and doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I’m always available but she rarely comes over and I don’t think that’s fair.
Today, I saw her photos from Saturday night out and I was fuming. She ditched me just so she could go and drink like she’s 20 again. I felt rejected and horrible, I thought we were best friends but she clearly doesn’t value me when she won’t even have a few drinks with me at my house.
When she finished work, she called and asked if I fancied going for coffee to town but I asked her to come over again. She said yes but before she disconnected, I heard her mumble “like always.” This really annoyed me.
When she came over, I decided to be open about everything. And while not my proudest or most mature moment, I shouted at her that she’s an awful friend, that she barely comes over and if she doesn’t want to spend time with me to just say it and stop playing around.
She said she’s always been accommodating but it’s been 2 years and she doesn’t want to spend time with me when there’s always a kid, especially now when she has to watch her language (Mia likes to swear).
I said that she knew I had a child and responsibilities. And she said that Tom (my partner) could take care of Ciara once in a while so I could have a time off.
This felt really intrusive and I told her to mind her own business and not meddle on my marriage.
I was really angry with her and kicked her out. She called me a selfish asshole on her way out.
Normally, I would expect her to call by now with apologies but she hasn’t done so and I’m starting to wonder was I the asshole or was she? Perhaps I was too harsh and should’ve been more careful with discussing it."
Read the main post here on Reddit.
Stock image of friends with a baby - having a good support network is so important!
What was the general consensus?
The overall verdict was that, actually, the poster IS the asshole in this situation! Thousands of comments pointed out that the poster is contradicting herself; she feels that her friend doesn't want to spend time with her, whilst demonstrating many cases where attempts have been made. Many Reddit readers did concede that perhaps the type of socialisation could be the issue, with the new mum not being a fan of going out clubbing or drinking like her friend; something many of us can relate to with sleepless nights and not feeling ourselves after growing an entire human!
The top rated comment, with over 70,000 up-votes, was;
"YTA. She didn't ditch you. She asked you to go out with her friends as she'd made plans. She's not drinking like she's 20, she's drinking like someone who doesn't have a child.
PS, she's right. Your partner can look after your daughter once in a while. And should do, to try and bond with her."
Our verdict...
This is a tough one. We'd disagree that the poster is the asshole, it's so much more complex than that!
We think that there's wrong on both sides here; the friend, to us, is clearly making efforts to connect and meet up, but doesn't seem to want to socialise in a way that her friend, the new mum, feels comfortable in at the moment. It could be because she's struggling with her body confidence after having a baby, is too tired to consider late nights out, or perhaps is even struggling with some PND (Post Natal Depression).
Reading the main post, the new mum doesn't seem to want to leave her home much at all - we are definitely getting some red flags that the new mum may need some additional support. We don't know enough to be able to agree with the point about the baby's dad taking the little one for the night; if she's breastfed, this could be unfeasible as of course, not all mums can express, and many breastfed babies refuse a bottle.
However, on the flip side, the poster seems to want all social meet-ups to be on HER terms and seems to also assume that her friend can just 'pop over' whenever, which might not be the case. She was definitely unfair to her friend with what she said to her, or rather, shouted at her, and should apologise. Both women need to sit down and have a proper heart-to-heart here, and we hope that their friendship can survive with some work and compromise.
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