When you have just given birth and have set very clear boundaries on who can come over and meet the baby and when, but someone tries to go against your wishes...
One new Mum took to Reddit's AITA (Am I The Asshole?) board after she found herself in that situation.
Read the main post below...
"My husband and I welcomed our daughter 6 weeks ago. My mum was with us for one week after the birth and then went home and it was just me, my husband, and our newborn care specialist. One week ago, my mum and stepdad came back to stay with us and visit the baby (they’ll be staying another week). I invited my dad to come and visit for the same period, but since he wanted to bring his wife Maggie along on the trip, they are staying in a hotel (we are paying for it). We had previously agreed that he would come to visit my apartment alone, and the rest of the time he would spend vacationing with his wife.
This had all been working really well, until yesterday when my dad brought his wife with him to the apartment. He said he thought it would be okay since he has been coming alone for a week and she just wanted to meet the baby. I told my dad that she would meet the baby when I was ready to receive visitors, not when he dictates, and she had to leave. We went on bickering until my husband stepped in and told my dad the discussion was over. My dad ended up staying to visit because if he’d left with her it would have made the situation worse, and she went back to the hotel.
My dad has now said (via text and in person) that I overreacted, and that Maggie was not planning to stay long and I could have just let her see the baby. I think that given the agreement was not to bring her, any length of time was going against that. He says I embarrassed her by having that argument in front of my mum and stepdad, and I think he’s the one who embarrassed her by bringing her at all.
My husband is on my side obviously, Mum and stepdad say it’s 50/50 but I veered into AH territory by ordering her out the way I did. Having a new baby is a lot, and I’ll admit I haven’t been my most level headed, so I’m wondering if maybe I went slightly overboard.
Edit - these questions/comments are common so editing for clarity.
Why didn’t I want Maggie to visit in the first place? Firstly, Maggie is extremely awkward around my mum. She apparently feels uncomfortable around “the woman my dad loved before her” to the point where she can’t hold a conversation or make eye contact with her. This makes for a maddeningly awkward atmosphere when they are around each other (my 30th birthday dinner was AWFUL). I didn’t want to deal with that level of awkward. Second, I am not up to hosting. I am tired, I’m not looking or feeling my best, I am not presentable. I am not up to being sociable, getting dressed properly, and making sure the apartment is presentable. I don’t feel the need to do that around my parents but outside of that, I would. I am not having even my closest friends around for this reason. When I am more settled, I’d be fine with Maggie coming round with my dad.
What is the history between Maggie and me? I haven’t spent much time with Maggie, but she goes through periods of having a very Volatile temperament, and they happen very quickly and she can be quite unpleasant to be around, so I’ve never sought to be close to her.
Yes, I am aware my dad probably told her it was okay to come. My dad is someone who wants everything his way all the time, and if he has to use subterfuge, he’s fine with it. Most of the time people just put up with it to keep the peace, so often that he banks on that. It is likely this what happened here as well. It’s unfortunate that my dad is like that, and unfortunate that Maggie didn’t stand up and say no, so I had to.
For everyone asking my stepdad is here, my stepdad is an extra parent to me. He has been for 17 years. He’s the first person who knew we were expecting, he’s the one giving my husband advice, I talk to him more often than my bio dad, I need and want him here just as much as my mum. My daughter is his granddaughter because I am a daughter to him. It has nothing to do with excluding Maggie, my stepdad is included because he is a parent here."
What was the general consensus?
It was quite a mixed bag of comments on whether the poster was an asshole or not. One of the top comments said:
You were clear with your rules and your father agreed.
You said stepdad is a parent to you and she’s not. She knew she wasn’t welcome and tried it.
She’s awkward around your mother and you didn’t feel like dealing with that.
No is a full sentence. When you said that, your father should have backed down."
While someone else disagreed saying:
"YTA. It's clear you don't like your stepmum, but the reasons are really vague and weird. Like she seems uncomfortable around your mum - has she said anything or is this just projecting since your mum seems to defend her here? And why is Maggie the only person in the family not allowed to see your baby? It's one thing if she had done something bad that made you distrust or dislike her, or if you were treating her and your stepdad the same way, but you aren't. You were deliberately excluding her, making everything and everyone uncomfortable, and making her feel like the only person not in the family. You were trying to make your dad choose between her and you and your child. For no real reason at all."
If you've clearly stated you don't want people over right after giving birth, that request should be requested no matter who they are. We feel it's very telling on the difference in the posters relationship between her stepdad who she refers to as stepdad, compared to her stepmum who she refers to as name. We don't feel like it's this new Mums fault that her Father tried to push her boundaries and it back fired. You shouldn't be ambushed into having people you don't want round you right after birth because someone else disagrees with you.
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