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People always say that when you have a child you will find out who your 'real friends' are.
A Mum of one has taken to Reddits AITA (Am I The Asshole?) board to ask if she was justified in snapping at her childhood friend who keeps 'ditching' her because she now has a child.
Read the full thread below...
"Just over two years ago, I(f29) unexpectedly got pregnant and now have a beautiful 18 month old daughter, Ciara.
Over that time my friends circle got considerably smaller but my best friend remained, Mia (f31). Mia doesn’t have kids nor wants kids but she’s been brilliant with Ciara.
I’m a SAHM and obviously don’t have as much time to hang out as I did previously. Mia and I live on the same street (we’re in Manchester, England) and it’s a walking distance between our houses. I’ve told Mia numerous times that she can just pop in whenever she wants to (she works from home) but she rarely does.
She did at the beginning but it’s been happening less and less. Instead, she keeps suggesting we go out for coffee or pizza or even a drink but I don’t have the time and always just tell her to come over and we’ll have coffee at my place.
She asked if I wanted to go out with her and her other friends for a drink last weekend but I said that no but she’s welcome to come over and we’ll have a few drinks at mine. She said she already had plans and it felt weird to drink when she knows there’s a child around.
Honestly, I feel neglected. I feel like she put me on a back burner and doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I’m always available but she rarely comes over and I don’t think that’s fair.
Today, I saw her photos from Saturday night out and I was fuming. She ditched me just so she could go and drink like she’s 20 again. I felt rejected and horrible, I thought we were best friends but she clearly doesn’t value me when she won’t even have a few drinks with me at my house.
When she finished work, she called and asked if I fancied going for coffee to town but I asked her to come over again. She said yes but before she disconnected, I heard her mumble “like always.” This really annoyed me.
When she came over, I decided to be open about everything. And while not my proudest or most mature moment, I shouted at her that she’s an awful friend m, that she barely comes over and if she doesn’t want to spend time with me to just say it and stop playing around.
She said she’s always been accommodating but it’s been 2 years and she doesn’t want to spend time with me when there’s always a kid, especially now when she has to watch her language (Mia likes to swear).
I said that she knew I had a child and responsibilities. And she said that Tom (my partner) could take care of Ciara once in a while so I could have a time off.
This felt really intrusive and I told her to mind her own business and not meddle on my marriage.
I was really angry with her and kicked her out. She called me a selfish asshole on her way out.
Normally, I would expect her to call by now with apologies but she hasn’t done so and I’m starting to wonder was I the asshole or was she? Perhaps I was too harsh and should’ve been more careful with discussing it."
Find the full Reddit thread here
What was the general consensus?
The poster was voted YTA (You're The Asshole). The top comment said:
"YTA. She didn't ditch you. She asked you to go out with her friends as she'd made plans. She's not drinking like she's 20, she's drinking like someone who doesn't have a child.
PS, she's right. Your partner can look after your daughter once in a while. And should do, to try and bond with her."
While another said:
"YTA.
You’re always expecting her to accommodate you because you have a child. She’s been coming over to your house for over a year because she understands your life has changed.
You’re putting in very little effort and assuming that it’s on her to maintain the friendship and compromise - why? Because you’re a mom?
She didn’t ditch you - you’ve been a shitty friend for a while and she’s probably done with you."
Our Verdict...
While on one hand it can be tough to maintain friendships after you have a baby, it is also important to make the effort too aswell as to expect it. A relationship can't always be one sided. It sounds like the friend has been more then accomodating by going to her house for the past two years. But a change of scenary would make all the difference. It is important for friends to acknowledge the Mum side of your life, but it's also equally important to acknowledge the fact they don't have kids, and their idea of catching up isn't always going to be child friendly.
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