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The term 'it takes a village' is very poignant and rings true for so many of us, but what happens when it's used as an excuse for taking advantage of family?
One aunt has taken to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board to ask if she's an asshole for telling her sister that she will not be doing 'parenting duties' for her nieces and the incoming baby when they arrive, in lieu of their father who 'doesn't do much' with raising his own children - despite being available to do so.
Read the post below...
"So my (22f) sister Iris (38f) has 2 daughters (5 and 7). From the time were born, I’ve been helping my sister take care of my nieces.
Iris has a husband, David. David doesn’t do much in raising his daughters, so I have had to pick up his slack since both the kids were born. I think it’s important to note that he has a regular 9-5 job at a bank and iris is a doctor and works double the time he does. I’ve had to cancel so many plans, trips etc to take care of my nieces when my sister was busy, but David was available. 90% of the time my sister would call me over to babysit, David would be watching sports or out hanging out with his friends. I didn’t have the guts to say anything when I was younger so I just shut up about it.
Now my sister is pregnant with her 3rd child. While I am excited for her, I’m dreading it. The two girls are at an age now where its gotten a bit easier for me to look after them alone. I can’t imagine having to take care of 3.
I told my sister she’s going to have to tell David to step up now that I have a job and not much free time. She said “what’s the point of that comment?”. I said I’ve been doing Davids share of parenting for 7 years, so she needs to tell him to do more because I won’t be playing dad again. She got really mad at me and said she trusts me to look after my nieces because women are naturally better at it than men, which is why “the village” just consists of women and girls. I said while I’m happy to be her village, I refuse to be a parent to her kids. She hasn’t spoken to me in a week."
Find the main thread here on Reddit.
Being an aunt can be so much fun, and very rewarding - but boundaries are so important!
What was the general consensus?
We weren't surprised to see that the readers of Reddit voted the poster NTA (Not The Asshole) for putting boundaries in place with her sister. The top rated comment, with a whopping ten thousand upvotes, was...
"NTA - Your sister and David made the choice to have these kids; not you. You aren’t a parent or their free, on-call babysitter. You have your own life to live that doesn’t revolve around hers, and she needs to learn that sooner than later.
Iris needs a serious wake-up call because if she can’t trust David to care for his own children, then she either needs to get a divorce or pay for an actual babysitter."
Our verdict...
We can understand that the poster's sister might have felt a bit cornered and emotional - she clearly trusts the poster deeply, although we can't say for certain how much she appreciates her or if she takes her for granted, as there's not enough context. That said, we do feel that she is taking advantage of her kind and caring sister, who is absolutely right to be pointing out that the father of these children should be taking responsibility, not their aunt. It's even worse that the aunt has had to cancel her own plans when the father of her nieces has been available. The whole 'it takes a village' mindset is totally valid and we can agree with it, but it feels like a redundant excuse here, for a woman who just cannot bring herself to admit that her husband needs to buck his ideas up, and she is enabling his parenting apathy by not holding him accountable.
One thing that did bother us was, this boundary has been a long time coming - it should have been established years ago. It may be that the poster isn't the type to complain, a kind soul at heart who doesn't want to inconvenience her own sister in times of need, but unfortunately now this has become an entrenched habit and 'expected' of her as she hasn't put her foot down sooner. It's not her fault and we're not victim blaming but in an ideal world, it should never have gotten this far.
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