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Baby

The Bear Hunt

Written by Siobhan Butel for her blog, Mum Malarkey – Pass The Wine Please.

You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter!

*Disclaimer: swearing!*


We’re goin’ on a bear hunt

(She’ll never sleep without it)
Why didn’t we buy a spare one??
(YOU said we didn’t need one!)
But we’re not scared!
(We’re really shit-scared)
Where the fuck could he be?
(Where THE FUCK could he be?!?)

MAYBE we left him in Aldi…

Uh-uh! The Middle Aisle!
The chock-a-bloc, odd-o’clock Middle Aisle
We can’t go over it.
We can’t go under it.
Oh no!
We’ve got to go through it!
Oooh look – a lawnmower!
(We haven’t got time for this…)
I’ve always wanted a popcorn maker!
(Put that down or you’ll meet your maker…)
A pet crate!
(FFS!)
BALLS – no sign of the bloody bear.

MAYBE we left him at soft play…

Uh-uh! A ball pit!
A deep, dark, hygienically-questionable ball pit.
We can’t go over it.
We can’t go under it.
Oh no!
We’ve got to go through it!
Squelch squerch!
(This bear’s SUCH a cock)
Squelch squerch!
(Something’s stuck to my sock!!)
Squelch squerch!
Which ABSOLUTE chump
Left their half-eaten Flump
In this grotty, snotty ball pit??
BOLLOCKS – no sign of the bloody bear.

MAYBE we left him at ‘Pets at Home’….

Uh-uh! Rabbits!
Cutsie, cuddlesome, ‘I REALLY REALLY WANT ONE MUM!!” rabbits.
We can’t go over them.
We can’t go under them.
We’ve got to go through them!
“PLEAAAASE – JUST ONE!”
(It’ll cost us a bomb!)
“PLEAAASE – I’ll LOOK AFTER IT!”
(It’ll shit on the carpet!)
“BUT I NEEEEED ONE THOUGH!”
For the last time, NO!!!
Sod it, let’s just go home…

WAIT!

WHAT’S THAT IN THE BOOT OF THE CAR??
One shiny nose!
Two big furry ears!
Two big goggly eyes!
IT’S BEAR!

You have GOT to be fucking kidding me…

Quick!
Drive home.
Open the door.
Up the stairs.
BEDTIME!
Phew.

Right then –
I’m goin’ on a wine hunt…


 

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