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If your time with your poorly child was limited, would you be willing to let them go on holiday without you?
It's a tough one, and no matter what stance you'd take, it's worth noting that the wishes of the parents should absolutely be respected. One heartbroken mother took to the Reddit AITA (Am I the Asshole) board to ask, is she being unreasonable for telling her mother-in-law that she cannot take their terminally ill toddler daughter on a holiday that, without any consultation, she'd already booked and paid for?
Read the full post below - please note that it is an upsetting medical situation involving a small child.
I have an almost three year old beautiful little girl. She’s just a few weeks shy of her third birthday. My baby was out in hospice four weeks ago after having gone into remission late May. Unfortunately, the cancer has returned except it is now crushing her optic nerve and is about 8cm long. Multiple doctors recommended we make our daughter as comfortable as possible as they do not believe removing the tumor is a good option. I have so much to say in regards to her diagnosis but heartbroken will suffice for now.
My husband and I have been making tons of memories with her for the past few weeks. We’ve included family in some of these memories but we both feel that we want to spend as much time with our daughter as possible. My mother in law called me yesterday to tell me she booked tickets/hotel/airfare for a trip next month. I thought it sounded fun until she said she was taking our toddler with her. Just her, my daughter, and her husband. She did not invite my husband and I.
My daughter isn’t even three yet. She has never stayed overnight anywhere and mother in law wants to take her for one entire week across the country, alone. I suggested that my husband and I both go that way our daughter is comfortable and for gods sake in the event she dies? She can’t be gone for a week. Her nurses are here. Her care is here.
I suggested what if we all go for a shorter amount of time. I came up with various suggestions to which all were turned down. I should add that if my daughter was not in hospice I still would not be comfortable with our toddler being across the country for a week alone without her parents. My child being in hospice adds another layer of complexity to the situation.
I told my mother in law that her decisions that she made alone without consulting us was a solid no. She called me a few names and hung up on me. She then called my husband and called me a few names and suggested she would fight for rights before my daughter dies.
I’m already grieving. My husband said we should acquiesce to his mothers trip to avoid drama (even though he agrees that our daughter is too young). But I want to spend time with her before the cancer takes her, she’s too little etc. I said no for various reasons not just to say no.
Read the full thread here on Reddit - you can also find post updates there.
What was the general consensus?
The Reddit community rallied around the poster, offering her support and validating that she is absolutely NOT the asshole for not wanting her terminally ill toddler away from her for a week - not only is her time with her child already limited, it was also pointed out that the mother-in-law clearly failed to consider if her granddaughter would even get medical clearance from the hospice to travel, nor did she consider her own expertise or capabilities when it comes to dealing with the medication and symptoms that no doubt come alongside terminal cancer of this magnitude.
Some comments also asked whether this grandmother had even considered if the little girl, feeling unwell with a tumour crushing her optic nerve, would even want to be away from her mummy and daddy and if her feelings were even considered. As the poster pointed out, what if she became unwell or died during the trip? The lack of proper forethought and common sense was a common theme on the comments board.
The top rated comment was...
"NTA
Nope. Just no. She wants to take your terminally ill daughter across the country for 7 days? And your husband would rather go along with it than tell his mommy no?
Has everyone in your life lost their damned minds ?!?
Absolutely not. Your daughter isn’t going anywhere without you. Period."
Our verdict...
We think that the top rated comment summarised the situation perfectly; her husband should also not be willing to placate his mother so easily on such serious matters. Whilst we can see that the intent was more than likely sweet, it was ill-considered and should absolutely have been passed by the parents of this poorly child before any money was spent. Our hearts are absolutely broken for the poster, and we would personally not want to be away from our young children for so long without proper preparation even if they were in good health, let alone terminally ill!
We're also left questioning the motives of the mother-in-law after her refusal to compromise with a shorter trip, with the child's parents also going - one comment speculated that the mother-in-law may perhaps have found a pseudoscientific alternative practitioner despite the professional medical consensus being that the tumour is inoperable. The original poster did respond to this comment in a thread, explaining that her mother-in-law doesn't tend to be into such practices, but at this point, she would 'not be surprised' if this was the reason for her refusing to allow the parents to join her, as they'd then alert the child's medical team and object. Her reaction to her daughter-in-law, who is currently trying to wrap her head around her baby dying, is just beyond the pale.
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