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Daddies (or non-birthing mummies/parents), we can only imagine how horrible it would be to fall unwell when your child is due to be born.
Imagine being so critically unwell that you can't even attend the birth of your baby. Horrific, right? Your partner would be losing out on your support, you'd miss baby's first cry, and of course, you'd be really unwell at such a crucial and vulnerable time; the whole scenario would be one huge cluster bomb of inconvenience, missed firsts, and longing to meet your baby. What an awful situation. However, you'd at least expect your partner to understand that you could not help becoming so poorly that you had to miss the birth and that it couldn't be helped, right?
One very upset new dad has taken to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board to ask if he's wrong for snapping and calling the mother of his baby 'selfish' for her resentment towards him after a very serious and life-threatening cardiac event left him at death's door on the same day that their baby was born.
Read the post below...
"My girlfriend and I (both 26f) have a son who is just over a year old. And there was some major ‘drama’ during the birth.
For some context, I have chronic heart problems and have been struggling with it since birth. I had a surgery when I was an infant, another at 7 and another at 15. I haven’t needed one since and have been doing well all around. When my girlfriend was 6 months pregnant, I got really, really ill and it took a massive toll on my lungs and heart. I pulled through but spent about a month in the hospital. I felt so awful that I couldn’t be with my girlfriend (Jane) but she was super great with it.
Then, 2 days before the due date, I was rushed into the hospital due to a build-up of fluid around my heart. I had to get the fluid removed asap. When the fluid was all out, my BIL came to visit me and he told me Jane had given birth. I was both ecstatic and devastated.
I had to spend the night under supervision but as soon as I was allowed to leave, I went to the maternity wing to see my girlfriend and baby. At the time, all negative emotions were smothered by our bundle of joy but over the months, Jane has been showing more and more signs of resentment towards me.
It came to a head last night during our date night. I had the whole day planned; baby had gone to grandmas, her favourite take out, got all her favourite movies ready to play, spa evening planned, etc. But she wasn’t feeling any of it. I asked her what was wrong and she said she’s angry at me for missing the birth.
I’ll admit, I didn’t handle it as best as I wanted to, but we argued for a bit and I ended up calling her selfish for saying that. I asked her if she understood the severity of the situation and that I was very ill. She got up and said she wasn't going to let me patronise her and that she's never been disrespected like that before and that she's going to bed.
AITA?"
Find the main thread here on Reddit.
What was the general consensus?
There was a huge reaction in the comments to this post, with the dad being voted unanimously as NTA (Not The Asshole). A number of comments did concede that he could have handled the situation more diplomatically, and many did express sympathy for his girlfriend who may have needed time to process the chaos of the traumatic situation she went through - because it is undeniably traumatic to potentially lose your partner on the day your baby is born - and she is now venting it in a way that is unhealthy. So, the overall consensus was NTA, but the girlfriend needs some gentle sympathy and perhaps therapy with her partner to tackle the trauma that they both went through, but in different ways. Our favourite comment was;
"You're pretty obviously NTA and...
It's also not a surprise that your GF felt the lack of your presence in the birth in ways that she's going to need to process, even though it was absolutely not your fault. And you may also still be processing that you weren't there, even though of course this wasn't your fault.
You may both also be processing what these two major health incidents suggest about your health and longevity, which has huge implications for how you, your wife, and your child’s lives will unfold.
It also may be helpful for you to think through exactly what your GF said and how much of your reaction to it is about your feelings, how much was about hers, and how much is about fearing for the image of a happy family that both of you are having to face both a real (you weren't there at the birth) and potential (your heart could continue to be a problem and that could change the course of your life) impacts on that family.
Because that could help you and her get back to healthier ground."
Our verdict...
NTA, without a doubt, but this dad also needs to understand that his girlfriend also went through a lot of trauma that day worrying about her partner whilst trying to deliver her baby, and continues to do so with the obvious anxiety that she must feel that her boyfriend could become so unwell again in future, leaving her with a child alone. There just is so much to unpack here! Her resentment and anger are simply a sign that she's at a stage of processing the events that is unhealthy and irrational, but with support they can get through this. Left to fester, it will become toxic and ruin the relationship. We would say to the poster, don't take it personally, and take steps together as a family to heal. It is by no means his fault, and we're sure that is girlfriend is just as frustrated by her feelings and way of handling this. Therapy is often suggested, and whilst we're by no means experts on the matter, we would say that therapy wouldn't hurt here.
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