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That first cuddle with your newborn is something truly special, we're sure you'd agree.
After mummy and daddy have had their first cuddles, skin-to-skin, and precious bonding time, you'll then have to deal with being inundated with requests from family and friends to meet your new bundle of joy and give them a snuggle. It can be quite a big honour to be able to say that you're the first person to hold a newborn - beyond their parents - so unsurprisingly, the topic can cause a lot of tedious drama within families, with people taking it personally if they're pipped at the post. Of course, this is rather silly, as it could simply be down to timing and distance!
One new mum took to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board to ask if she's in the wrong for refusing to let her mother-in-law to be the first person to hold her baby.
Read the full post below...
"When I f26 met my husband's m34 mom I hoped for a healthy mother figure type relationship. She's okayish; but she can be a little controlling given that my husband is her only child; she tends to act super protective of him.
When I got pregnant, MIL made a request to be the first person to hold my son after he's born. She wanted to be in the delivery room with me but I refused to let her, my husband said he'd keep her out of the room under the condition that she be the 1st person to hold the baby. I didn't agree but didn't disagree as well. Just stayed silent.
The baby was born days ago. All my husband was worried about was having his mom be the 1st to meet the baby. but she was out of town attending a friend's daughter's wedding. He said she wouldn't be back til 2 days later. Mom and sister already came to help and they held my son as they were helping me after my husband went back to work. I had no to help and they were my go to.
MIL and my husband knew. they both went off and started throwing a fit saying that I betrayed her, and that I made a promised then broke it. My husband tried to get her to calm down after she came home lashing out, but she scolded us both then walked out. He blew up at me saying I screwed up and violated the agreement we had. I said that mom and sister were HELPING me out, and held the baby so what? he got more pissed and claimed I had no respect for his mom and her wishes and told me that I hurt her feelings and ruined her grandbaby's birth memory. I couldn't keep arguing. He called me unbelievably selfish and demanded I fix my mistake but I wasn't sure what he meant by that. Like redo the baby's birth and have his mom be the first to hold him?. He didn't like my sarcasm and said that what I did was sneaky and cold hearted. he said he should've let his mom in the delivery room otherwise none of this would've happened.
They're both are still salty about it and are sulking hard. AITA?"
Read the full thread here on Reddit.
What was the general consensus?
The poster was voted to be NTA (Not The Asshole) by the readers of Reddit, with red flags aplenty being pointed out! There were hundreds of comments stating that there's a huge lack of boundaries here, that the poster needs to advocate for herself and defend her position, and that she is actually being taken advantage of as a meek young, first-time mum with an older husband. The top rated comment was;
"NTA
Why do your husband and your MIL seem to think that her needs are more important than yours? I've never heard of anything like this before.
You've just given birth, and your needs and the baby's needs are of paramount importance. You need help from your family if and when you want it. To refuse help from your own mother and sister just for MIL's sake would be detrimental to you.
Also, your mother-in-law goes to a wedding just when her grandchild is born and still expects you to keep your family at bay? Ridiculous.
Your MIL needs to know that your health and wellbeing means that the baby is well cared for.
Tell your husband to grow up and see what is important here. Which is you and your baby. MIL doesn't get a say, and she does not deserve special privileges just because she says so."
Our verdict...
There's so much to unpick here.
This mother-in-law is problematic to the extreme. She started off by wanting to be IN the delivery room and the first to hold the baby - it's unclear if she meant before the baby's actual parents at any point but some readers assumed that this is exactly what she intended. She then expected her son and daughter-in-law to see absolutely nobody until SHE came back from the social event she was attending, despite the fact that a new mum would likely appreciate some help and support from her own mum and family. We'd say that 'self absorbed' is a very good way to describe this woman, and her son is just as toxic in his behaviour. The only unbelievably selfish person in the equation is HIS mother!
The bond between a grandparent and a grandchild can be something incredibly beautiful, and we can't blame this woman for being perhaps too enthusiastically excited at the arrival of a grandchild to love and cherish, but her behaviour actually feels more narcissistic and ego-driven than based in pure excitement to meet the baby.
We also feel quite sorry for the mother of the poster; it's almost as if her own existence as a grandmother to this baby has been completely erased by the toxic grandma in question, who has assigned herself a status of utmost importance over everyone else! The poster's husband and mother-in-law should just be grateful that the new mum and baby had instant support on hand to get them through the challenging early days.
Our advice to this poster would be to strongly advocate for herself on this and not tolerate this behaviour any longer; perhaps her own family will help her on this front, as we appreciate that for some people of a more shy and nervous disposition, it can be really difficult to make your voice heard. If she gets nowhere, she should seriously reconsider her situation; does she want to live in circumstances where she's disrespected and treated poorly forever?
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